Life resumed as if nothing had happened. How Halle wished that was true. Something had happened. Anybody who knew Halle before and after would notice. That was a good term to use: before and after; before and after JC. Yes, his name seemed to be forever on her lips and the kiss he placed on them before he left just wouldn't leave her mind. He was like a milestone in her life, but he was not gone, even when he said good-bye.

Literally, he had not left. Instead JC had kept his promise, both a comfort and a burden to her. It was a promise he had made to Josh that he would come back. And faithfully, he did. It was hard on her heart because as much as she wanted to run to JC, her legs stayed still and soon she found she had immersed herself in work.

He had come back in those six months. Four times, Halle could count each one, but only long enough to speak to Josh. Halle was never home during those visits. It was always Kel who was surprised to see JC standing at the door.

"Why don't you wait until Halle comes home?" Kel suggested on his second visit.

"I have to be back with the group by then," JC replied lamely. Kel knew it was just an excuse, but she sat back anyway. She knew that sooner or later, they'd have to run

into one another.

Josh talked to JC once a week on the phone, and in that way their bond grew. But Halle never spoke to JC, and apparently he never asked to talk to her, or else Josh

wouldn't handed the phone over. Oh, JC had been ever the gentleman, always calling and checking to make sure that what he was doing was alright. But she still never talked to him. He spoke through Josh, or Kel, or others... She talked to Justin and Lance called occasionally. It was all idle chatter though, friendly but lacking in someway. She ruefully wondered if it was because theirs was not the voice she wanted to hear.

She can't believe that she thought she loved him, the thought haunted her everyday now, and every night too. But she'd never let anyone know she cried, not even Kel. It was not becasue she had lost him, she couldn't understand herself. It was becasue she didn't know, her mind filled with 'what-if's. And she wanted to run away.

But that was impossible. There was Josh- she knew she couldn't rightfully keep him away from JC anymore. She was through being selfish. She saw how Josh's eyes lit up every time JC called, but as much as she wanted to see JC too, she made sure she was at work as much as possible. It was no use getting too close when he'd just leave again. Reluctantly, she had relinquished control over how much of JC that Josh saw. The boy was already hooked. About that she felt strangely. On one hand, she could cry for Josh, how much he loved JC already. When JC left, Josh cried. Yet on the other hand, she knew that love was returned and both flourished in the midst of it. Josh was in good hands.

But where was she? "Can I get you anything?" came a voice out of nowhere. Halle jumped out of her thoughts as she turned her head to the voice. The face that met her was that of a pretty blonde flight attendant.

"Umm, no," she said quickly.

But the stewardess seemed to focus on her arm. "Hold on," she said smiling. "I have just the thing."

Halle sighed and looked down to where the stewardess had. Josh's tiny head rested on her arm as he had dozed off twenty minutes into the flight. She stroked his dark crown and watched his little chest rise and fall with each passing breath. He was so precious to her. The stewardess came back, smiling. "Here," she said, handing Halle a pillow and blanket.

Halle smiled up at her. "Thanks."

"No problem. That's what we're here for. Just ask any of us if you need anything."

Halle nodded and gently placed the pillow beneath Josh's head. She was covering him with the blanket as a soft soothing voice carried over from the window seat. "Children are so precious."

Halle looked up to see a middle-aged woman sitting in the window seat. Here she was in coach and she had taken the aisle seat, giving Josh the middle. Halle smiled, not sure what to make of it other than a passing comment. "They are," she affirmed.

The woman turned in her seat to face Halle. "I'm going to see mine, you know."

"Your child? A trip?" Halle guessed.

The woman shook her head. "I wish it was." She took a deep breath. "I'm divorced. My ex-husband got custody."

"Oh, I'm sorry," pronounced Halle, at a loss for more witty words.

"So am I, so am I, but what's done is done. You can't cry over spilled milk."

The old adage rang through Halle's ears, how familiar she was to that. It seemed forever now that she had lived by that saying. She been forced to and now she did it willingly.

"Hi, I'm Lisa," the middle-aged woman smiled and held out her hand.

"Halle," she replied back, reaching over Josh to shake her hand firmly.

"Nice to meet you. I'm sorry for just talking out of the blue, but flights make me nervous and the only way I can get my mind off it is to talk to someone. Do you mind?"

Halle shook her head, she had nothing better to do. She wasn't in the least tired. She recapped the day. Samantha and Jill were safely tucked away in first class, while she and Josh rode coach. She would have liked to get first class for Josh, but tickets were tickets and these particular airline tickets were free of charge. Who was she to argue? Today was the day.

Samantha and Jill were bubbly, maybe a bit overly perky teens, but the kind that had a smile for everything. Pretty run-of-the-mill. Figures, thought Halle, that they would win the contest. Yes, the two girls had been the lucky winners of the contest to see 'N Sync backstage sponsered by Starbucks. They were psyched and not afraid to show it. In fact- they had screamed the whole way here, hyperventilating and talking to each other as if they were both deaf, or were just in a contest to see which one of them could deafen the rest of people in the Jeep first. They hadn't even met the boys yet. Oh my God, she thought as she tried to envision the meeting. Mental note, buy earplugs. Did they carry extra-stength?

Well, now it was quieter. The constant chatter of the girls had been driving her up a wall. "Justin is so cute!", "JC was wearing a leather vest!", "Did you know that Justin said he was staring at Britney's butt?" At that point she wanted to scream at them. How did they find so much to talk about? Halle shook her head clear it. She was not going to think about them anymore. So instead, she focused her attention on Lisa.

"...the courts were unfair when they gave my ex custody. Of course, he was better able to take care of Ricky. That's my son's name. He's fourteen now." Her voice rang with pride and yet sadness too. "Frank- that's my ex-husband- had always been the wealthy one, even when we got married. We got married for all the wrong reasons, we rushed into it and we were only children. I was only a child. I was young still when we got divorced and everything I shouldn't have been- pretty, and uneducated with no means to take care of anyone, let along myself. That gave me no standing in court. So they let Frank have Ricky. But it was unfair. I know I would have found a way to take care of him." Lisa's voice dripped with sadness, a kind of regret for those former years.

Halle interrupted. "Are you resentful of your husband?"

"Now?" she asked. "No, not now. But before, before I was full of resent for him. And that made me reckless and even more stupid.."

"How so?"

"Well, I tried to fight back. I tried appeals: didn't work I tried threatening Frank- he got a restraining order. Then I- I'm sort of ashamed- I tried to take Ricky back. Of course, at the time I didn't even think I could be charged with kidnapping. He was my son."

"But it wasn't right if Frank was keeping Ricky from you," Halle mused.

"That's just it, he wasn't. I could see him anytime I wanted. It was my fault, I was being selfish."

"Selfish?"

"Yes, I wanted Ricky all to myself. I didn't want to have 'vistation rights'. I wanted to get back at Frank for hurting me by taking the thing he loved the most: that was Ricky. Of course, in my mind I told myself I was doing it for Ricky, that he would be better off with me. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get back at Frank, but I loved Ricky with all my heart too."

Halle's arm edged closer to Josh, pulling him more tightly to her body. She was looking at the woman strangely. This wasn't the kind of story you told to just anyone. Halle wondered if there was some kind of chemical imbalance in her head. Maybe Frank had been right to divorce her.

Lisa snorted. "Well, the plan backfired. Be careful what you wish for. I didn't want 'visitation rights'. Well, I didn't have them anymore. They kept me away from Ricky. My lawyer told me to plead temporary insanity."

Halle was scared stiff. She wanted a new seat. All of a sudden Samntha and Jill didn't look so bad. Her primary concern was Josh as she hugged him even tighter. Lisa had been engrossed in herself, but she pulled out of it to look at Halle. "Am I scaring you? I'm sorry. That was a long long time ago, nearly a decade. As I said I was young and stupid. I know better now. I can't believe now that it was me who did those things, I'm not proud of it."

Halle was afraid, her throat felt dry, but she found her voice. Trying to steady it, she asked, "When did you get visitation rights back?"

"Five years ago. I decided I had missed too much of my son's life. You know, the courts didn't want to give them back to me."

"So how did you get them back?"

"Frank."

"Frank?" she echoed in a tone of disbelief.

"Frank is a good man, as much as I didn't want to see it then. He knew I was different and he knew I needed to see my son." She paused. "I only have one regret though."

"What's that?"

"That I didn't realize what I really wanted sooner. I could have saved myself and Frank and Ricky a lot of pain." She smiled suddenly. "Do me a favor before I leave? Don't ever do that to yourself. Don't deny yourself, because the longer you do, the more you will hurt."

Halle nodded quickly and wondered if a person could get over insanity. Maybe Lisa hadn't been insane after all.

-*-*-*-

Her eyes were weary. Bing, bing- "This is your captain speaking. We have now landed in Orlando, Florida at Orlando International..." As she tuned out the pilot's voice, she looked over at Josh. He was still sleeping. He had slept through a three hour flight to Orlando. She wished she could have done the same. Well, she had lapsed into periodical sleep, a wink here and there, but neither long nor deep. Something had plagued her mind. He'd been plaguing her mind for the past six months. There were times when she had just want to tear out her hair. She sighed inaudibly. She hadn't known she could feel like that.

She shook her head to clear her mind. Once again she looked down at Josh. She was contemplating something, whether to wake him up or not. He looked so peaceful. Well, she did have a lot to carry and with Josh on top of that. She sighed and picked up his sleeping body. Anything for her little boy, it was all worth it.

She scooted out of her seat. The airplane was now relatively empty because she had waited until all the passengers had gotten off. She grabbed her carry-on in one hand and Josh in the other. The same flight attendant that gave Josh the blanket stood just a bit in front of them, at the door separating coach from first class. Halle glanced back to where she had been sitting. Lisa had never come back, not for the two hours left in the flight when she left. As relieved as Halle was, she also had become a little worried. What if something had happened to Lisa? Sure, Halle thought she was insane, but that didn't mean she wanted to see her hurt. How ironic is that, Halle thought to herself.

She stopped in front of the flight attendant. "Umm, there was a woman sitting in the aisle seat right beside me. I'm a little worried about her. She went off and never returned. I don't know what happened, but she could be in trouble or hurt."

The flight attendant glanced over to the aisle at which Halle was pointing, perplexed. Her expression lightened. "Oh, yes, I remember. Oh no, that woman changed seats. We had some other vacant ones, so it was no problem."

Just then two objects came hurtling themselves through the door. They almost smacked straight into Halle and the flight attendant in their hurry. No sooner than she saw them did Halle realize it was Samantha and Jill. "Ms. Lin!" They both called out as they frantically grabbed hold of the door frame to stop themselves. Both Halle and the flight attendant were taking steps to the side to clear the aisle. Neither of them felt like being knocked over.

"We were looking everywhere for you!" said Samantha, a huge smile spread on her face.

"Yea," echoed Jill. "Everywhere!"

Halle was about to roll her eyes, but a movement from her shoulders made her turn her eyes from them. "Mommy?"

She looked over to see that Josh had already awoken. "Are we there yet?" he asked.

She smiled at him. "Yes honey, we're here. You slept through the entire plane ride!"

"I was tired."

"So you were, baby. Are you still tired?"

Josh shook his head firmly. "No," he affirmed.

"Aww," came a voice. "He's so cute, Ms. Lin." It was Samantha.

"Thank you, Samantha. Now shall we go?"

"Oh yes! I almost forgot! How could I forget? It's 'N Sync!"

Oh no, here it goes again, Halle lamented. Halle braced herself as both girls screamed their lungs out in unison. This time, Halle really did roll her eyes as she stepped out in front of them and continued towards the front of the plane.

But it was not them her mind focused on as she walked towards the exit. She was determined that she would not buckle, she would not give in. She would be as she'd always been- confident, assured, independent. Of course she new the first two words were synonymous, but all the words should have been in her mind. But why was it she wasn't so sure? Her mind kept slipping to JC, as much as she tried to ignore him. Even in her mind her eyes saw his smile as if it were yesterday, as bright and beautiful. She was going insane, no more speculation. She had been sure of that ever since JC had gone.

Oh, JC. If you only knew. My heart says one thing, but my mind tells me another. Her heart and mind were yet fighting a duel. She didn't know if it would ever end.

-*-*-*-

They all stepped out of the terminal, Halle, Josh, Samantha and Jill. Almost immediately, Halle spotted the limo driver. It was a little hard to miss a guy who was holding a neon yellow billboard with their names and was standing five feet from the terminal. It was just a loud, really loud sign.

Samantha and Jill chatted excitedly, clicking their tongues and speaking so fast that Halle wondered how they could understand each other, or even breathe. Halle was beginning to get a headache. She couldn't wait until they got to the hotel, but that wouldn't be until later that night. Sigh. Right now they'd have to head off to the concert venue in time for the meet and greet that Samantha and Jill were so focused on.

This Starbucks promotion was one of her best ideas. Much like other promotions, contestants would enter their names in drawing to win concert tickets, first row. But unlike others, the winner, if he or she purchased a few Starbucks products, would win, or purchase, ahem, backstage passes: all access, all in Orlando to the last concert of the tour- the Valentine's Day concert. Brilliant idea on her part, but it went both ways. At the time she proposed it, she couldn't foresee the future, this rift that existed as an awkward wall between them. That wall... she wondered if she had built it. It was now three in the afternoon, and the soundcheck was at four. They needed to hurry to the arena. Once they got their bags, they headed off to the Orlando Arena in the limo. Halle's whole body was numb, but the smile on her face was fixed.

"Ms. Lin, have you ever met 'N Sync? I mean, since you're advertising them and all," Jill asked. The girls were sixteen. Minors, both of them. However they had worked it out with Starbucks and their parents that Halle would be their chaperone, Halle didn't know how they had done it. All they had disclosed was that it meant she was "that much cooler". Indeed, everyone, with the exception of Samantha and Jill, had been opposed to it, their parents for safety reasons, Starbucks for liability reasons, and Halle for...'N Sync. Right? No, she knew why she had been opposed to it. It all had to do with one person. Even 500 miles away, just the thought of him had the same effect on her as if he was in the very same room, if his lips were pressed on hers... The thought was an affliction, but she couldn't forget. She had cried. She had thought she loved him, but she dismissed it as something her mind screamed as he was leaving. She didn't love him... did she?

Once again, Halle struggled to focus on Samantha and Jill, who were still talking a mile a minute. Halle learned that they both entered a hundred times each. They were fanatical about the group, and to Halle it seemed like they had no life.

"Yes, I have," Halle replied lightly to the question. Had she met 'N Sync? Stupid question. Now she needed to play it down. "We met a few months ago when they were in New York doing a photoshoot for us, and they recorded a jingle, too."

"You are so lucky!" Samantha cried. "What are they like?"

"They're wonderful guys," Halle answered sincerely. "All so talented."

"Are they really like everyone says?" Jill questioned.

"What does everyone say?"

"That they're wonderful!" Samantha and Jill yelled in unison.

"Then they're even better," Halle nodded.

"I like Blue," Josh piped up.

"Is blue your favorite color?" Jill smiled at the child, not making the broad connection. But Halle sat horrified. She prayed Josh wouldn't go into further detail and the girls wouldn't ask.

"No, Blue," Josh insisted. "JC. He's in a band."

Halle moaned inwardly. Leave it to the little boy to spill the beans. But what could she expect?

"You know him, too?" Jill cried.

"We played together," Josh announced proudly.

Halle sighed to herself, desperately trying to figure out a new topic of conversation. "So who are your favorite guys?" she asked.

"Justin," Samantha replied automatically.

Figures, Halle thought.

"JC," Jill also answered.

Halle laughed bitterly to herself. If only Jill knew what Halle knew...

"Hey, JC wears a necklace like that!" Jill exclaimed, pointing to the necklace which Josh now fidgeted with.

"Yeah, uh, Josh's friend gave it to him," Halle answered before Josh could say anything else incriminating. It really wasn't a lie if you thought about it. After all, JC was Josh's friend.

Finally, after what seemed like a long and endless ride, they arrived at the Orlando Arena. "Aah! This is so cool!" Samantha screamed. To say the girls were giddy with excitement was an understatement. They were going crazy and Halle was going insane. With their camera ready to go, the whole group entered the building.

In the arena, they were met by a security guard, a big, burly hulk of a man. "Hi, I'm Jesus, no lie. I'll be your bodyguard throughout your stay, provided by 'N Sync." His introduction was brief, as brief as brief could be. Halle and the girls hardly got a chance to introduce themselves although the girls did scream after the mention of 'N Sync. But Jesus was a seasoned pro. It didn't even seem to faze him, though he did look over apologetically at Halle. He lead the four to the floor and sat them down. Halle began to panic. They were out in the open, the four of them, surrounded by a vast sea of empty seats. JC would surely see her. She glanced towards the stage, terrified that they would come out.

"Um, I have a headache so I think that Josh and I will stay in the limo," she excused herself. The two girls were so engrossed with the stage set-up that they hardly heard her. "Ok," Halle summed up as she turned to Jesus. "Would you please return the girls to the limo after soundcheck?" It would be awhile after soundcheck that the concert would begin.

That got their attention. "Oh no, Ms. Lin! We want to stay all the way through!" They came upon her like two locusts. "We want to make the best of our passes! Who knows who will see?" They looked at each other. "'N Sync!" Another round of giggling set the on the arena like wildfire. Ok, Halle was sure she was going to puke. But it wasn't only the girls... Her heart was beating furiously. She kept glancing towards the stage, making sure they hadn't come out. She didn't have time for this!

"Fine," she said lightly, waving her hand. She gave up on this one. "Thanks anyway, Jesus," she said, talking to the bodyguard before turning to the girls. "I'll go to the hotel and get our rooms checked into, ok? And then I'll come back before the concert to give you your keys, alright?" she said hurriedly. I have to get out of here! her mind was screaming.

"Yeah!" shouted Jill followed by a "Great!" by Samantha. "You're the best, Ms. Lin!" Samantha said as she squeezed Halle tightly. When Jill joined in she could hardly breathe. She could see Josh looked peculiarly at them as he held on to Halle's hand. They let go of her and turned to Josh. "Bye cutie! We're staying for the concert and we're having the time of our lives!" Jill cheered. What lives? thought Halle briefly. It took all her willpower to steady her pace as she turned away. It was as though the girls were watching her, they had long turned away. She just wanted to escape. Yet someone was looking.

Jesus glanced Halle's way after looking at the girls. He had seen to many "Samantha"s and "Jill"s in his lifetime as a bodyguard. But it was Halle he was interested in. She was something new to observe. He had seen her glance at the stage and he knew that she was afraid. He had heard her introduce herself as Halle Lin. He wondered if she was the Halle that JC spoke of, often in a nostalgic yet sorrowful way. What was she afraid of? He knew he'd be seeing much more of her. He just hoped the young Mr. Chasez, whom he worked for, would get a little happier.

-*-*-*-

JC knew that today was the day. Yes, today was the day. What for? The winners of the Starbuck's concert. He was sitting in his dressing room, a small closet-like contraption that had the name 'N Sync posted on the outside of it. It was pretty full, despite the fact that they were only there for one night. It was stuffed with food, clothes, accessories, mirrors. Okay, so it was just a closet to only him, maybe a little bigger, but the fact that he had to share it with four other guys and all their stuff made it seem pretty small. But now all the guys were gone, off to do their own thing just before soundcheck. JC instead had elected to stay behind. Where did he have to go? Of course they had tried to coax him to get out of there and stop moping, but it hadn't worked. It hadn't worked for the past six months. The only thing he looked forward to was his visits to New York.

Sigh. The tour had seemed unusally long and lonely...grueling. At least it's the last concert, he thought to himself. I get to go home, see my family and just be at my leisure. But leisure had not really been his to keep, not for some time. His time was spent on Halle mostly. She was so hard for him to dismiss. Her face flashed in his head more than his flashed on the cover of "Bop". Ok, so maybe he was exaggerating, but the number had to rival his for it seemed like forever now that she has occupied his mind...and his heart.

God, he wondered if he could take much more of this, wishing, and wishing day in and day out. For what? For whom? There was a need to ask? A five letter word beginning with "H". For six months he had wished a wish that no one heard. Now six months later, still no one would heard it. He unconsiously ran his hand through his hair. And now there were the winners to the contest, one winner, one guest allowed.

Of course, it wasn't the winners he was anxious about, although, sure, he'd be happy to meet them. Oh no, it was Halle. The contest had been her idea. Right now, he was wondering if he'd ever see her again. Briefly, he entertained the thought that she might have come along with the winner. He shook his head. Of course she hadn't. She hadn't seemed to want anything to do with him since he had left New York. It was Josh and only Josh he saw. She never asked for him, invited him over, or much of anything else. No, Halle had already put him out of her life. He wondered why he couldn't have as strong a will as hers.

God, he gritted his teeth. This was killing him. The one girl that he wanted, he couldn't have. The girl he wanted, didn't want him. It was killing him inside to know that. What had really kept him alive through this time was the small flicker of hope that he might be wrong, a kind of ignorance. This was the only time he had ever wished to be wrong. But the hope was slowly dying, like the wicker of a candle. Lord help him if it ever went out.

-*-*-*-

Change of plans, Halle went straight to the hotel. By this time, her legs were barely more than elastic. She was glad she hadn't had to drive or call a cab. She wasn't sure if she actually had the strength or the wits to drive or count money. She had taken the limo instead. The hotel was the Marriott, five star as the contest was a luxury package. Halle's weary legs carried her and an amazingly lively Josh into the lobby. There was hardly a line there at only three-thirty. She was stressing and she knew it. She put down her bags by the couch and told Josh to wait for her there as she made her way to the line. Only one or two guests stood before her in the blue carpeted room, a clerk behind the counter. The room was unbusy, bellhops, though few, milled around. Empty luggage carts decorated the room.

"May I help you?" The clerk sounded as tired as he looked. Halle immediately felt sorry for him. Maybe it was the fact that she thought she felt a bit like him. All she wanted to do was get into the rooms, plop down on a bed and rest. She had never felt she deserved more than this ever before this. She wanted to sleep, but not dream. In her dreams she couldn't keep him away. He haunted her just as much in sleep as he did in the waking hours.

"Hello, I have two rooms reserved under the names Lin and Montgomery? Twelfth floor?" She tried to be patient, but she just wanted to sleep.

The clerk typed a few things into his computer, glancing back and forth at the screen. "Yes..." he answered her. "Yes. Twelfth floor, room 1208 Montgomery and room 1209 Lin. May I see some identification?"

"Of course," Halle answered as she rummaged through her purse. She was getting more frantic by the moment. Where was that stupid paper? Darn! Where was it? What she came up was only the identification for the contest winners and all it entailed. It would have to do. She handed it to him.

The clerk looked over it suspiciously. "I don't think this is enough identification."

Halle was throughly disheartened. "Look, sir, I know it is hotel policy that I bring the official documentation from Starbucks, but please can't you make an exception? Please. Look." Halle grabbed at her purse. "I really am Halle Lin," she said, pulling out her own personal identification. "I am a publicist for Starbucks. I was appointed guardian of these girls and I need to get them the room reserved. I..."

She was cut off as he held to sets of keys in front of her face. "Enjoy," he said and smiled at her briefly. And just as he had smiled, he loosed his lips to an untelling line again. "Next!"

Halle hardly stuck around, so abrupt was the day. She got Josh, a porter and a luggage cart and was off.

-*-*-*-

As she shrugged off the heavy arms of sleep, Halle yawned deeply and opened her eyes. Light fell through the sheer blue window curtains and the mirror tossed light about the room in random shapes. Sleep had overtaken Halle as she had set foot in the room. She couldn't begin to guess why she was so fatigued. Josh, though, uninhibited, was free to roam the hotel room, though he knew better than to go out or open the door to strangers which was practically everyone to Josh. Halle rubbed her eyes and stood up, the room still a little murky, her eyes unfocused. The TV was going, she could see the blur of color. "Josh?" she asked as she saw his small dark head propped onto the edge of her bed, his face towards the screen. As she called his name, he turned around quickly and flashed her his beautiful smile, climbing onto the bed. "Hi Mommy! I'm watching a video." She should be glad he wasn't spinning his 'N Sync disc he had gotten from JC. She found it hard to concentrate, even harder to forget then.

"So you are..." Her voice trailed off as she took full notice of the screen. How could she have been so deaf? How could she hae been so blind? Her heart lurched again as JC's smiling face lit up the screen and invariably the rest of the room. The screen was wide, she felt as though he were there, larger than life.

JC's voice came like a beacon. As his voice projected from the video, she listened. "So Josh, see that? That's the stage where we'll be performing tonight. Haha- you aren't impressed. You know, it looks just like the other ones we performed on. Well, this one's a little bigger, little man. It's better that way, we have more space to dance. That very last stage was a little cramped wasn't it, Josh? Yeah, it was."

Jesus?! Halle's mind raced. Jesus was that close to JC? Why hadn't she given it second thought when she had met him? Why had she assumed that he was hired just for the purpose of showing the girls around? She focused in on the video again. Time had passed. JC was now giving the camera to Jesus. "Hey man, can I ask you favor?"

Once again, the man nodded. Not a man of many words, mused Halle.

The video had been JC's gift to Josh. Halle sat up on the side of the bed, her face turned away from the screen, though she could hear JC's rich voice from the stage as he sang a song. She'd never liked JC's voice. It made her feel things she didn't want to feel. It made her remember things she didn't want to remember. It made her... love him all over again. Yes, she hated his voice, it violated her heart. It made her wish... for him... once again.

Her face held a pained expression, her breath was held, her knuckles were white as they gripped the sideof the bed. Suddenly soft hands embraced her. "Mommy?"

Her eyes snapped open, surprised as she saw his little face. She was ashamed of herself. This wasn't the first time she had lost herself in him. It was making her ignore what was important. Yes, she was angry at him. Her face contorted into a smile she didn't really feel. "Yes Josh?"

"Are you alright Mommy?"

My heart hurts... "Yes Josh, I'm fine." She was touched by his concern. "Hey, why don't you turn off that tape? We need to go back to the venue to go check up on Sam and Jill, alright?" Any excuse to get away from JC.

"Ok, Mommy," he said as he walked over to the VCR. She had shown him earlier how to work the VCR, but even so, he didn't need much instruction. Josh was a fast learner, quick to catch on. She smiled at him proudly as he switched off the cassette. It was only then she really took a breath, as JC's face flashed for one last time and then disappeared. Why couldn't minds work as well as VCR's?

-*-*-*-

She was praying in the limo. As the limousine drove along the street towards the venue, in her mind, her hands were clasped. The short-lived relief she felt as JC's face had disappeared from the TV screen had been all too brief. Her relief was now replaced with fear. Maybe she should have stayed in the hotel room. Instead, she was voluntarily making her way to an arena where JC was sure to be. It was almost five hours later, four and a half, and she had to give the girls the keys to their room. She hoped they weren't stupid enough to lose them, but nevertheless, they had an adjoining room door in her room.

The concert was actually scheduled to begin very soon, so she had to hurry. Though both she and Josh had backstage passes as well, she wanted to give the girls their keys and get out of there as fast as she could. It would be better if she didn't have to see the concert in action, so it was best she give it to them now than never.

But she was praying that JC wouldn't see her. She planned to just 'slide' in with Josh and then 'slide' out. She couldn't bear to see JC now, not now. Well... not ever. Never. Never was a strong word, she knew that. Never... how appropriate was that? She knew it wasn't fair to either of them. She sighed. But life just wasn't fair.

-*-*-*-

The arena was dimly lit, as most arenas are. However, the lights were shining down. She could see it was close to concert time, most of the equipment had been set up already. Outside had been a mess. A sea of fans greeted the sleek back limo as it made its way to the venue. For once, she wished she hadn't had to use the limo. Obviously, the fans thought it was 'N Sync concealed in those long dark tinted windows. She could tell by the "'N Sync, I love you. Justin, you are so hot!" screams coming from outside the windows. Pounding and waving, trying to touch just the glass of their beloved 'N Sync's limousine, as if it might somehow endear them to 'N Sync while they stared at a passing hand, an elbow, a face. Sorry to disappoint you, girls. It was just Halle and her Josh, just Halle and her Josh that climbed out of the limo as it crossed into the VIP parking and passed the throng of screaming fans, disappointed to see that it was only her.

She couldn't have cared less though. What was on her mind was Samantha and Jill, and the effort it would take to find them. She had to be quick, she had to be cunning, she had to be sly, but most of all, she had to be strong. Her legs were swift as they carried her inside, the two plastic slide keys in her pocket and Josh trailing behind her, his small hand in hers. She didn't want to go too fast so that Josh would not be able to keep up, but she was in a rush.

Fans were filtering in by the dozens, many already having taken their seats. The ones loitering outside were taking their chances. Suddenly, the room became dark. Halle gasped and against her will, shot her eyes towards the stage. But instead of 'N Sync, whom she expected to see, a slight girl came on. She put the microphone to her lips. "Hey, crowd! I love Orlando!" She sighed heavily with relief, she should have known. Bands always had opening acts.

Her shoes scuffed on the hard smooth floor. She had clipped backstage passes to both her and Josh for easy entrance. She glanced fearfully around, but the stage remained empty, the venue remained unoccupied. Her heart was beating. "Like a big, brass drum," she sang quietly to herself, trying to calm her excited nerves. She was breathing heavily, sucking in air rapidly, as if she couldn't get enough. She couldn't really- she felt ready to faint.

She was approaching a guard, standing in front of the backstage, making sure that no one who wasn't supposed to, didn't get past. Halle glanced at him carefully. He remained stiff and unmoving. But he didn't stop her. All she did was flash the passes and they were through.

Her eyes swung around, glancing every corner, every niche for Samantha and Jill. "Mommy?" She looked down to see Josh staring at her with wide eyes. "My hand hurts. You're holding it too tightly."

Halle looked down with wide eyes and quickly let go of Josh's hand. "I'm sorry baby. I was just... preoccupied. I'm sorry..."

"It's ok, Mommy. Here," he said, moving to her other side. "You can hold my other hand if you promise not to hold it too hard." He offered her his other hand.

She looked at his little palm, reaching up to her and she was instantly sorry. In her selfish rush, she had forgotten about Josh. "Deal," she said softly to him, taking his tiny hand in hers, careful not to hold it too tightly. She forced her legs to slow, her eyes to slow, her heart to slow. Instead, she clutched her pass now, her knuckles whitening, hjer breathing erratic though she tried to present an outward appearance of calm.

People were milling about, talking, chatting, running back and forth. Backstage was a busy place. "Ms. Lin!" A voice called out to her.

Her head spun to the voice. Her relief was something incredible to behold as she saw that it was Jill. Running towards her, Jill looked gleeful with a huge smile pasted on her face. "Oh my God, Ms. Lin! I met them! We met them! At the meet and greet! They signed our posters! And our arms! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" By now, Jill was jumping up down, hugging Halle as if it was the last hug she would ever give.

"Whoa, whoa. Hold on Jill. I didn't do anything. You should be congratulating yourself."

"Oh, Ms. Lin, I'm so happy!" Jill flashed her a wide smile as she put her hand to her heart.

Suddenly, Halle saw girls like Jill and Samantha with new eyes. They were no longer annoying and loud, ditzes all of them. Instead, they were the lucky ones. Here she was cursing them when she was the one with problems, not them. Irony lay in her reactions, jealousy had weaseled its way into her subconcious. She sighed and smiled at Jill, for the first time genuine. "Look, Jill, where is Samantha?"

"Ummm, I don't know. She went of somewhere, in search of Justin I think. She couahgt a glimpse of him in the..."

"Jill," Halle said, cutting her off. "I have these two keys here for your hotel room, ok? You're in Room 1208. I need to give one to you and one to Samantha. So do you have any idea where she might be?" Halle wouldn't feel safe unless she handed one specifically to Jill and one to Samantha as well. They might lose them.

Jill looked around with wide eyes, scanning the crowd. "Well, she went straight to the hall, by the entrance over there..."

Halle gave her a little push gently on the flat of her back. "Don't worry, we're right behind you," Halle said with a smile. Towards the hallway they walked. Halle's eyes were fervent, examining every niche and corner where Samantha might be. She just prayed that Samantha hadn't found Justin just yet for that might be the end of Halle's mission. Above all, she did not want to risk being seen, not by them, not by him, not by JC. She was afraid of them. Even more so, she was afraid of herself, because if she saw them, she, her rational self, was no longer responsible for her actions. She might lose her control. She might stay.

They were just turning the corner when...smack. The hurtling object had flown into Jill's side. "Samantha!" Halle had caught them both before they fell.

"Ms. Lin!" she cried as she got to her feet. "Hi!"

"Yes, Samantha, nice to see you too. I was looking for you."

"Oh really, what for?"

"These," she said as she slipped the two key cards out of the pockets of her jeans. "These are the keys for your room, 1208. One for you and one for Jill," she said, handing one to each girl. "Be sure not to lose them."

"Thanks Ms. Lin! We won't!"

"Ok, good. Now listen to me. I assume you both are going to stay for the concert and maybe after too. Well, that's fine with me, but when you are ready to go home, I want you to find Jesus and have him escort you back to the hotel, ok? I've already talked to him and he'll see you to the hotel safely. Alright?" The truth was she hadn't spoken to him yet, but she was about to, as long as she could find him.

"Yes, ma'am," they both answered serenely.

Suddenly shouting began outside. Both scampered towards the entrance to the backstage at lightning pace. Halle watched them, afraid. But they came back with smiles on their faces. "False alarm!" Samantha said. "For a second, I thought 'N Sync had come out!"

And given me a heart attack, thought Halle. "Alright girls, I'm sure they'll be out soon. Now that I've given you both you keys, Josh and I will be going. Have a good time at the concert."

"Thank you, Ms. Lin," they shouted, one after the other and giving her and Josh immense hugs.

"Why don't you stay, Ms. Lin?" asked Jill. "It'll be so much fun."

"Yeah!" shouted Samantha. "Stay!"

"Oh, sorry girls, but I can't. I don't even have tickets for me and Josh."

"Steal a seat! There are people who don't show up, though I think they're crazy! Missing 'N Sync. They're nuts! Of course, you probably won't get as good seats as us, but..."

"Samantha! Stop! I really can't! Besides, hey, it's really close to show time! Shouldn't you girls be getting to your own seats before someone steals them?"

"Oh my God!" shouted Jill. "I never even thought of that! Come on, Sam! Thanks Ms. Lin!" they said as they ran off in pursuit of their seats.

Once again, she sighed with relief. That was close. She knew she was tempted to stay. "Mommy..." Josh was tugging her hand. She looked over. "Why can't we stay?"

"Because we don't have seats. We should have gotten tickets if we wanted to see the concert."

"But why can't we steal some?"

"Josh! Stealing is wrong!" She looked down at him sternly.

He looked apologetic. "Sorry, Mommy. I know it's wrong, but I just wanted to see Blue."

She squeezed his hand. "I know, honey. Some other time though, I promise."

He nodded his little head and they continued on their way. Inside, Halle felt a little defeated. She knew it was selfish of her, but she just wanted to leave. We should have bought seats if we wanted to see th concert! Shouldn't we have? It would be wrong to stay. She had been trying to rationalize her leaving. It wasn't working. Josh's sad face played upon her conscience. She was sorry, she was.

Right beside them, someone passed. As Halle's eyes randomly looked to see who had brushed past her, she recognized who it was. "Jesus!" she exclaimed loudly.

The bodyguard turned to look at her. He had been walking to the entrance while she had planned to slip out the back way. "Well, pleased to see you again, Ms. Lin," he greeted, inclining his head, but not cracking a smile.

Halle hurried on with her words. "Jesus, you're just the man I was looking for. I need you to do me a big favor, please?"

"What is it?" he asked calmly.

"Well... you see, I can't stay for the concert, but I need someone to escort the girls back to the hotel in my place. Would you do it?"

He stood back for a minute, as if thinking. "Consider it done, Ms. Lin."

She smiled at him. "The girls know where they are staying. The Marriott, just down the road. I'm very grateful, Jesus. You're a lifesaver.

Faintly, he smiled. "What else am I here for?"

Strangely, Halle's hairs stood up on her arm, as if they sensed something. His tone of voice, so sure..so serious... If Halle didn't know better, she would have thought he meant it. "Right... well, I'd better get going. Thank you again."

"Hey, where are you going?" he asked, taking hold of her arm.

"Out the back way. There is a back way, isn't there?" She couldn't stand to go out the way she had come. That was a risk she wasn't willing to take.

"Yes, but I'm sorry Ms. Lin. You can't go out that way. It's open only before and after the concert. You'll have to go out the front."

She stared at him as if he was suddenly out of his mind. "Out the front?" she asked again. "I have to hurry then. Good-bye." She rushed to the entrance to the backstage, picking Josh up before he could protest. She was speed-walking out of there. Let the concert not have started, please. She finally made it through to the entrance and glanced to the stage. Empty. She breathed the breath she had not known she was holding.

She turned away. But as soon as she she did the room began to scream. "Oh my God!" someone screamed. "It's them!"

Halle stopped in her tracks. Beyond her, a colorful sequence was going on on stage. What was this? Wasn't this supposed to be 'N Sync? she asked herself. She was about to turn and walk away, but then she heard a voice, the voice. "Hello Orlando! Welcome to our most special concert! Happy Valentine's Day!" She turned stiffly at the sound, losing control rapidly. There was no denying it. It was him.

-*-*-*-