Long live the Queen of Hearts. And just like Alice in Wonderland, she felt trapped in a dream, or was it a nightmare? Her legs seemed to root themselves to the ground although her mind was screaming at her. She seemed to tell herself, You're insane! Utterly mad! No, that wasn't her, that was just her mind. It was her heart that answered it. I know. Josh too had looked over to where JC was, a huge grin on his face. She couldn't stand much more. She looked up to the path that she had been walking. Towards her she saw a guard coming. Yes, I know I can't stand here. Quickly, before she could even think things over, she dived into an aisle, depositing herself and Josh in the first empty seats she found.

No rhyme or reason. His eyes... the blueness of them shocked her, even though his face was plastered on a wide screen and the effect of his eyes was somewhat lessened. Had it been so long? The azure gems burned through to her soul, sheer blue fire that took her. He took her breath away, whether she willed it or not. She watched them twinkle with excitement.

"Mommy?" asked Josh as they sat there, engulfed in the dark arena.

"Hmm?" she answered as she continued to follow JC with her eyes. He had so much energy. He did everything 150% instead of just a mere 100%. His heart was in everything he did and indeed, the things he loved. Maybe that is why he came to visit so often. He loved Josh, there was no denying that. But what about...

"I thought stealing was bad."

She turned her head. "Josh?" she asked quizzically.

"Didn't we steal these seats?"

"Umm," she didn't know how to answer him. "Look, baby, stealing is bad, yes, but sometimes rules are made to be broken. Besides, these seats were empty. Why waste perfectly good seats?" She was looking at him with bright eyes, begging of him not to ask more. Such a hypocrite she was going to seem.

Thankfully, he didn't ask another word. He just nodded and focused once more on JC. She was glad to follow his lead. Once more she looked into his eyes, a sea of blue. She was getting lost in them, forgetting what was up, what was down, what she was supposed to be. Pray keep afloat. Now just to keep from drowning.

-*-*-*-

Halle was truly amazed. For a moment, she almost forgot that Josh was with her, and that she was in an arena of screaming girls. Her attention was solely focused on one person, JC. She didn't know how he did it, singing with such heart and enthusiasm. He

moved effortlessly about on stage, demanding, without words, a response from the audience.

He's good at this, Halle noted. But "good" was just an understatement in her mind. He was a professional, and she could see how he loved his job. Why would he give it up for me? He wouldn't. Would I ask him to? No, she would never ask him. She would miss him so much... as if she didn't already... Her eyes widened suddenly and her mind tore at the thought of missing him like an unwanted nerve. This is not what it was about! It was about her taking care of herself. She firmly believed that. She sagged a bit. It sounded better, her ears were deaf to the truth screamed.

"Mommy! It's Blue!" Josh cried, jumping up and down on his seat. Everyone in front of them was standing. All of them being taller than him, that made it hard for the little boy to see the stage. Nevertheless, he saw his friend, the only person that seemed to matter in this rush of things.

"Yes, honey," she answered, practically shouting to be heard over the ruckus. It was loud, the screams never ending and just as deafening to her ears. As 'N Sync performed, Halle watched with a close eye. To the naked eye, they all thoroughly seemed to enjoy their jobs, but JC... JC was passionate about singing. Whether he was singing a ballad or an uptempo song, his eyes reflected that. He was solemn during ballads, his eyes low-key and his voice steady. During the upbeat music, his eyes were bright and electrified, with a sparkle to the blue. And she couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy when ten or so girls were brought up on stage to be serenaded to one of her favorite songs, "For the Girl Who Has Everything." That used to be me... Her head reared up. It used to be me?! It still is! And she was determined to be right. But some things... they just can't be made to what you want.

She should've felt uncomfortable in the arena of screaming adolescents, but Halle didn't even notice them, she had her mind on other things, other faces, one. She was completely oblivious to everything around her, including the screaming that was going on around her. Occasionally, though, when the girl behind her, who had introduced herself as Hannah, let out an ear-piercing squeal, she would shudder and give the girl a dirty look, silencing her for at least the next song. All of twelve-years-old and crazy already, Halle thought sadly as she stared at the girl.

How does he move like that? Halle thought in disbelief, turning back to the stage. Moves like that should be outlawed! She smiled to herself at the idea. Together the group looked sharp and, as their name said, in synch. JC moved about as if he could do the moves in his sleep, and probably could, having performed them so often. She shook her head a bit, she shouldn't be having thoughts of these. It was as if JC was penetrating her and her will...

But the highlight of her night, up to that point, was when the group sang "I Drive Myself Crazy." Halle didn't know whether to laugh or just gape when JC started singing what she considered as "the freaking out part." Maybe it was something else she was trying to disguise. She might as well laugh before she cried because it'd be one or the other. She looked at his face as he closed his eyes tight, an expression of pain seeming to appear on his face. The screen highlighted it a dozen times over.

"Whyyyyyyyyy didn't I know how much I loved you baby?"

She felt like he was singing to her, every word of the song. Then she blushed at the thought. What are you thinking? she scolded herself. But she couldn't help but feel a connection when he sang. Of course, the roles were switched. It was her, all her.

"Mommy, I can't see," Josh pouted. Halle had lost track of time, and she assumed that the concert was almost over. Halle sighed. As much as she wanted Josh to have a great view of what she was seeing, security had asked the parents to keep their children off shoulders and seats. What the heck? she shrugged. It's almost over anyway.

"OK, hop up," she said to Josh quietly, bending over so that he could climb onto her shoulders.

If Halle was amazed by the other ballad, their finale blew her away. "Sailing," which was one of her favorite songs, as well as the closing theme. JC started the song, sounding just as he did on the CD. Her eyes drank him in, all of them really. They were clad in white, athletic suits. Steam could rise right there on stage, she observed. How fitting, they all looked so... good. Of course her mind rushed on before she could stop it... Especially JC. But she knew to expect that. It was his voice she was mesmorized by now, the tone of it, how he dragged from high to low. She closed her eyes. She expected so much...

What she didn't expect was when she opened her eyes. No longer were they sitting on their stools. Instead, her eyes followed the crowds: up. They were up in the air. What she didn't expect was how they began flying, soaring over the heads in the audience, attatched to the ceiling with wires and harnesses. Her jaw dropped open as she watched them soar, the awe it inspired. It was just her luck that she was in the middle section, right over the area that JC occupied. Ironic, she thought. JC was smiling. The closer he came, the more her neck craned. She had been staring at him the whole way.

"Blue!" Josh cried out, reaching his tiny hands up at the flying man. Not matter how he tried, though, JC was still out of reach. Always, remembered Halle. He was always travelling, always performing, doing shows concerts and interviews. But he couldn't help it, that was his job. Instead, he did the best he could. He came to see Josh whenever time would allow, he called him often and rang up the phone bill. He even went far and beyond and sent Josh gifts. Yes, he had done the best he could, who could ask for more? Yet, JC was always out of reach she felt. But was that her fault, or his?

Am I hearing things? JC thought, his mind muddled. He could've sworn he heard Josh call him. He shook his head, trying to focus on the song at hand. He couldn't wait until the concert was over so that he could go home, he was almost counting the minutes till relief. Concerts really took a lot of energy on his part and he was beat when he finished. But he found that he was more enthused than ever to begin it. He enjoyed it, yes, but there was more to it... Anything to take my mind off Halle. He opened his eyes wide and refocused quickly, smiling.

As he was being pulled back towards the stage to wrap up the song, he glanced down into the audience below him. What he saw made him feel like he was crashing. It was Josh, sitting atop Halle's shoulders. The dark head was unmistakeable and his green eyes stared straight up. Underneath him, was Halle, looking up as well, Josh on her shoulders. Josh seemed to be screaming something, but he couldn't hear now. He was moving away and in a second, they had disappeared into the crowd.

I'm seeing things, he thought. I'm really seeing things. This isn't happening. Knowing that he couldn't let his hallucinations get in the way of his performance, JC closed his eyes and finished the song. What a long night it had been.

-*-*-*-

The concert was pretty much over now. Her hearing was shot and any sounds that weren't louder than 70 decibels were muffled at best. The screams had just risen as the concert had progressed, but now they had dropped. Instead, everyone now clamored to the entrance, after all, what they had come to see was gone. Or at least out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind... How true was that? Not very, she thought. Or at least not for her... JC.

She was still sitting down. She had tried standing up, but she was stationary. She just stood there. Everyone was going one way, pushing and shoving to follow the 'tour bus' if they saw it. That didn't make for much efficiency. Halle needed another way out. Her purpose had suddenly returned to her and she needed to get out of there... fast. Her brow slid upwards as she turned to look at the entrance to the backstage. Jesus had said the back door was accessible only after and before the concert, right? And it was after the concert. Plus, if the screams of "Let me through, the tour bus probably already left!" were true, then she had nothing to worry about. Halle hesitated for only a second more and decided there and then.

She turned. "Josh...?" She was going to pick him up and carry him down. He was small enough to fit through the people, but she wasn't, she needed to carry him down over the seats. Of course, now that was a little hard to do. Josh was gone!

Her mind was stuck in panic mode. She had practically run down the seats calling Josh's name. It wasn't easy because although the concert was over and the arena was relatively less full, it still echoed with the sounds of the few hundred people still left in there. Her voice was just lost in the crowd. Her eyes searched frantically around the now lit arena. He had been by her side just minutes ago! God! This boy and his curiousity! She was almost pulling out her hair. Where could he have gone? She would never forgive herself if she lost him now. In her panic, she ran down the seats, not caring to go down the aisle for it was faster this way. The aisles were blocked, loaded with people still waiting to exit the building. The security didn't even care. They were too busy directing traffic.

Her eyes scanned the crowd, looking for even a sign, a dark tuft of hair, a little body, maybe a gray shirt, which he was wearing. "Josh!" she called. "Josh!" Oh God, where was he? She was beginning to go into full panic now. He was just a little boy. Just my little boy. Please God. She closed her eyes in prayer just for a second, helpless, not knowing what to do. Her hands were clasped firmly. The white noise was blurry now. Her hearing had been deficient and now it was clogged. All she could feel were her tears running down her cheek. Josh...

A hand touched her on the back. The hairs on her neck stood straight up as she jumped at the touch. Quickly, she whipped herself around to see who it was. She came face to face with Jesus.

He was smiling gently before her, a tall sight with the most gentle brown eyes. She just noticed it. There was something about him, the hairs on her neck had not gone down yet. Strange... "Is this one yours?" he asked. He looked down to his feet.

"Josh!" she exclaimed, moving to him. He had been standing there demurely all the while, not uttering a word. His eyes were downcast as was his posture.

"Mommy..." he started, but he was cut off as she swooped down to grab hold of him and wrap him in a tight hug. Tears were still streaming down her face as she thought she has lost him. But Jesus had found him...

"Thank you," she quickly said, remembering her manners. "I really don't know how to thank you other than saying it. You'll never know how grateful I am for this."

His small smile reappeared on his face. "I do know. You don't need to thank me. That's what I'm here for."

Had Halle been sane, she would have noticed his repitition, but she didn't as she turned to Josh whom she had lifted into her arms. His eyes still looked guilty as he stared at her. " Josh, you were a very bad boy..." He pouted even more, looking more than suitably apologetic. She just couldn't bear to scold and punish him. She sighed as she pulled him closer to her. "Why do you always run away from me?" she asked him as if she expected an answer. "It's not good for Mommy's heart when you do that because Mommy loves you. When you get lost, Mommy gets lost too."

"But Mommy!" he protested, his face fast losing its remorseful appeal. "I wasn't lost! I knew where I was going!" He said it as if it were common logic.

"But Mommy didn't and she was looking for you all over the place," she countered as she looked at him displeasingly. Some discipline was needed, she knew it.

His face became sorry again. "I'm sorry, Mommy... I... I just wanted to go see Blue."

Jesus leaned in. "I found him by the stage."

"I was by the stage, because Blue was there. But he left." His little face was frowning, his voice low. "He went somewhere."

Her heart melted at the sight of his sad face. "He went backstage, Josh. To clean up a little," she added stroking his dark silky hair.

She turned back to Jesus, Josh still in her arms. "Don't forget about the girls, ok Jesus?"

"I haven't forgotten," he answered simply.

She nodded. "Do you need cab fare, I can give you..."

"Don't you worry about a thing, Ms. Lin," he said, dismissing her words. "It's all taken care of."

"Thank you," she smiled. "For everything."

"Just doing my job."

She didn't read into his words. He was a security guard after all, wasn't he? "Is that back entrance open now, didn't you say?"

He smiled again, his lips curving into a small smile. "Yes, Ms. Lin, it is open after the concert."

She flashed him a smile in return. "Thanks. Are you ready to go Josh?" she asked, turning to him. He nodded, seeming a little happier and content now. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Alright," she answered. "It was nice to meet you, Jesus, and thank you again for everything you've done for me. I'm in a little bit of rush to get home now, sorry."

He nodded slightly at her words. "It's alright," he said acceptingly, as if he knew. She gave one last wave and was off. "We'll be seeing each other again," he said softly, just as she had turned away. However, she didn't hear him because she was slightly impaired at the moment. It didn't matter to him though, he knew.

Towards the back entrance she ran. God, she wanted to get out of here. She didn't belong here. She put Josh down as they touched the ground. He didn't even think to question his mother, just ran obediently along with her. That was trust. The security didn't hassle her, once again she flashed the passes and dashed backstage. Josh was having a hard time keeping up with her pace and she scooped him up, holding him as she walked quickly to the back. "Mommy?" he asked as he sat in her arms.

"Yes, Josh?" she asked, not slowing her swift pace.

"Can't we stay to see Blue?" he asked. Backstage was as furious as the arena itself, everyone moving about, no time for lounging. There was work to be done.

"No, honey. Didn't you hear all the girls ahead of us? They said Blue and his band already left." As Halle hurried out a back exit of the arena with Josh in her arms, she wondered if JC had seen her or was even still there. Probably not, she thought. Probably doesn't even care. She was ushered quickly into the limousine, and soon enough they were off to their hotel.

-*-*-*-

A swoosh of black hair and a small little body in her hands- JC thought he was dreaming as the figure ran, her back to him. He shook his head and just continued on his way, believing that the stress had gotten to him... almost. His eyes were playing tricks on him, he had seen what he wanted and that had been Halle. Six months... How did I ever got through that? It was only her memory and her son that he kept of her now. Out of respect, he had kept his distance. Forcing anything was not the way to go about getting anything. But he was not through. Though his plans had been on hold for a little bit, he'd find a way. But so much of it rested on Halle's cooperation... and his luck. Ugh, he couldn't deal with this now, after the stress of today. It was supposed to be his vacation. Why did it feel as though he wasn't taking a break from much?

JC pushed the door of their dressing room open to meet with the smell of sweat. It was nothing new, JC had to expect it. He for one didn't smell much better, so he wasn't going to complain. "I swear, I'm going crazy," JC muttered as he and the rest of the group hurried to gather their things.

"What makes you say that?" Lance asked as he placed a towel around his neck and picked up a brush to run through his hair.

"I'm just seeing things," JC said dismissively, putting his own towel around his sweaty neck and using another towel the wipe his arms.

"Random things? Or things that mean something?" Chris asked. He was changing into a clean shirt. The ones he had worn for concert were soaked.

"Whoa, he's putting the psychology degree to use," Justin snickered as he finished running a comb through his sweaty locks. Chris shot him a look that silenced him.

"You're all gonna think I'm crazy, but I could swear I saw Josh and Halle in the crowd," JC finally admitted.

"Whoa, OK, Daddy," Justin patted him on the back. "Yeah, you might be losing a few marbles here and there."

"But it was so real," JC insisted. "And I even thought I heard him calling out 'Blue! Blue!'"

Everyone tried hard not to laugh at JC, because they knew how much both Halle and Josh meant to him, but they couldn't help but feel a little awkward about what their friend was saying. Finally, Justin said, "Why don't you call Josh tonight?" He feared JC might have overdone it. The mind was a strange thing. Stressed, it was a whole new frontier. Justin didn't want to witness it, he was sure.

"I might," JC answered, then sighed. "I just wish I could talk to Halle."

"Halle? I know Halle," another voice joined the conversation. It was female, no more than sixteen years old with blond hair and brown eyes. How she had gotten backstage, no one knew. How she had found them was an even better question. Everybody thought they had left already and had followed a decoy tour bus if they had tried to follow at all. Thank God all of them were decent at this minute. A few minutes ago might have been a disaster.

"You do?" JC asked skeptically before any of them could speak to protest the girls' presence.

"Halle Lin, right? And her son Josh?" the girl's companion, a brunette with unflailing brown eyes and just as generic, added. "Yup. She's our chaperone."

"Wait, she's here?" JC exclaimed in disbelief, his eyes nearly coming out of their sockets. He took a step towards the girls.

"Well, not here here," the first said as JC's head swiveled to see her. "She went back to the hotel. We're supposed to meet her there later."

"And how did you get back here?" Justin asked, trying to get more pertinent answers.

"We won the Starbucks' contest," the first girl grinned. "All access passes was part of our prize. See?" They both turned to the side and sure enough, there were the all access passes. They weren't hard to miss now that they had turned because they had them on the sides of their waists, hidden from front view.

The five guys stared at each other, convinced that these girls genuinely knew Halle. "Where are you staying at?" JC asked them, putting on his most charming smile and hoping his blue eyes were as magnetizing as his fan letters said they were.

It seemed to be working. "The Marriott," the second girl said. "I'm Jill, by the way." JC noticed the deep red blush that spread across her cheeks as she stared up at him, her voice getting a little softer and shy.

"And I'm Samantha," the other one piped up brightly, smiling at him as if nothing was amiss. "We're huge fans of yours."

"That's great," JC continued to grin. His cheeks hurt from smiling so hard, but he figured that with a few more minutes of smiling and being overly nice, he would have all the information he needed.

"Yeah, we're staying in Room 1208, I think. Ms. Lin is right beside us! I think she went back early though. She was here at soundcheck and right before the concert. We tried to convince her to stay, but she said she didn't have tickets."

His gaze moved off the girl. Halle had been here? She had been here at soundcheck and before the concert? Where had he been? Probably trying to steer clear of the fans. He had been doing that a lot lately.

"JC? Are you alright?" came a voice.

His head jerked up slightly. "What, oh yes, I was just thinking of something." He noticed Samantha had spread out, snaking her way to Justin and Joey, whom she was now in conversation with. Justin looked a bit uninterested, but Joey was eating up her words as she played with her hair. Flirt, he smirked at him. "What did you say?" he asked Jill.

"Oh, I was asking you how you knew Halle."

Just the mention of her name does things to me. Idiot! he cursed himself silently. "Oh, well, we worked together you know. We really met in a park."

"Really, how nice!"

"Yeah, Central Park, actually, with her little boy."

"Josh? He's so cute! You know something? He has a necklace just like yours!"

"Oh, does he?" JC asked with a slight laugh in his voice.

"Yeah, Halle said Josh's friend gave it to him. Isn't that neat?"

"Yes it is, very neat. You did say that Halle and Josh were staying in the room right next to yours, right?"

"Right," she answered perkily.

"And you're sure she's there right now?"

"Yea."

"Do you know the number to the hotel?"

"Umm, no. Do you want me to get it for you?"

"Uh, no, no, no, don't worry about," he said, hastily smiling. He wondered if she noticed how much he was asking about Halle.

He turned away from Jill and noticed Justin had gone. "Hey Joe!" he called. "Do you know where Justin went?"

Joey glanced over from his conversation with Samantha. "Yeah, he excused himself and went to go check on our transportation."

"Oh," said JC. "Okay."

"Yeah," said Chris with Lance on his heels, "We're going to go check up on him, see you, nice to meet you."

The girls both waved an enthusiastic good-bye and broke away from JC and Joey briefly to hug them.

"So," said Jill, eager to regain hold of JC's concentration. "Do you like being in the music industry?"

"Uh, yes, I love it. It's hard sometimes, but it's what we all love." The answer was a very generic one, the one he gave to the reporters when they asked him the same exact question.

"I'm such a fan of yours," said Jill quietly, becoming shy once more.

This time, he smiled down upon her. "Thank you," he said, meaning every word of it.

"Can I give you a hug?"

"Of course, I'd love a hug, even if I smell, so excuse me," he laughed.

"I don't care! I'd hug you even if you had just fallen into a dumpster." She walked into his slightly open arms. He believed every word she had said. The devoted fan: he really did love them in his own way.

He looked up from the hug, to find the room empty. It seemed Joey and Samantha had already left.

"Bus is leaving!" Justin called inside the dressing room a few minutes later, peeking his head in. "Daddy, we're waiting on you."

"For once," Lance scoffed, opening the door wider.

JC, at once glad for the distraction, turned back to Jill. "Do you want to follow me to the door?"

"Sure!" she exclaimed. It was a kind action on his part, a kind of good-bye to a fan. All of a sudden he was sorry, sorry that he couldn't be all she wanted. He knew what she wanted, most fans wanted the same thing, though not to generalize them. It was as a statement, not a fact. But he wanted someone else. The only question now was, did she want him? He sighed.

As he got to the pick-up point he said good-bye to the two girls and boarded the bus, waving to them from the window as they drove away. The girls both had the goofiest smiles on their faces. If that was all it took to make them smile, so be it.

He turned away from the window as they dropped from view to his friends. His smile was undimmable, 100 watts stood behind that baby. His mind was on one thing and one thing only: Halle. The others quietly suffered through his little bursts about her, his total disbelief that she had come and other little tidbits he had gathered to his memory of her. "I can't believe she's here," he said for what semed like the millionth time since they first found out.

"What are you gonna do about it?" Justin challenged. He knew that JC didn't know what to do about it, and thinking about the situation would shut him up for a few minutes at least. Well, at least he wouldn't be chattering away about Halle for a few seconds.

-*-*-*-

An hour later, he was finally home, well not home, but the hotel room sweet hotel room. But JC still didn't know what to do. He was utterly confused. Why hadn't she bothered to say hello if she was there? At least she could have shown him that courtesy. Was she upset? Was she avoiding him?

"Yo, Daddy, chill," Justin reassured when he saw the anxiety on JC's face as he paced the blue carpet of the hotel room. He and Chris were sharing a room with JC just for the night until they got packed up for the start of their vacation. "She probably went to the hotel 'cause she and Josh are tired."

"I have to see her," JC said to no one in particular as he paced around the living room.

"Then go," Chris suggested logically while sitting on the couch. JC's pacing was getting to both him and Justin.

"I - I can't impose," he sighed.

Justin jumped off the couch and blocked JC's pacing path. He grabbed him by the shoulders. "Daddy," he started firmly, "you got nowhere with subtlety in New York. You've got to be bolder. Tell her how you feel."

"I can't do that, man," JC protested.

"If you don't," Justin said, stepping back from him, "then you risk losing her forever after she leaves Orlando." What JC needed was a good dose of reality. Unlike JC, who liked to think everything through well before he did them, Justin considered himself a 'move n' shaker', his own words. As far as he was concerned, JC needed to get shakin' before he lost her forever.

As if on cue, Justin and Chris left the room, leaving JC there by himself. A feeling of despair washed over JC as Justin's words sunk in. What if the teenager was right? As young as he was, Justin aspired to be much greater and much wiser. That he would gain with age.

Do I wanna lose her? He knew the answer to it already, but he had to remind himself again. He stared at his keys that laid on his dresser, so still, yet bright as the light of the lamped rested on its surface.

"... then you risk losing her forever... "Justin's words echoed in his mind.

Crossing the room in two quick strides, JC grabbed his keys and headed out the door. No, he wouldn't lose her again; not if he had anything to do with it.

-*-*-*-

Josh had been long asleep, but Halle couldn't quite bring herself to turn in. There was so much to see in Orlando, and Halle mulled over what she would do on her final day there. She stood by the big window that overlooked the hotel parking lot and much farther, to the roads beyond. Orlando at night was beautiful, so busy. It kind of reminded her of New York, but a much different feeling existed in the air. Yes, much different indeed. She couldn't quite understand what it was, but it was good, it was exciting, it was... She sighed. What did it matter if she found out anyway? She be leaving tomorrow. Her mind concentrated again on what her activities would be on her last day.

Josh wanted to go to Disney World, but Halle wasn't sure if they would have time. Their flight was at 3 PM, and what was the point of seeing Disney World if you couldn't

see it at night? It was night time when the beauty came out, the lovely tingle. Mornings were for fun and adventure, laughter and exploration. Evenings were for being close to the ones you loved and stopping to watch the wonderful things go by so slowly.

There was a soft knock on the door. Who could be calling this late at night? she wondered. Halle pried herself away from the wide window and hurried to answer the door. In her haste, she didn't even bother to check who it was. The caller had been at the door for a good two minutes already, and she didn't want to make them wait any longer than they had.

Opening the door in a hurry, she saw that JC stood in the doorway, his presence emitted to every corner of the room. Blue was definitely his color, Halle noted before her mind could get itself in order and think correctly about JC. The baby blue shirt and dark blue jeans really brought out his eyes. He stood languidly at the door, yet anxious still. His face was neutral as she stared at it, then into his eyes.

Halle froze then as her mind realized who was there. "What are you doing here?" Halle asked in a shocked voice. Her eyes were as wide as saucers and she stared up at him in disbelief. Other than the concert, she hadn't seen JC since New York. He was a sight for sore eyes, maybe not her eyes at all. Her body was stiff, not moving even an inch. It was the same response she had given when she had seen him at the concert, but now, instead of being fifteen feet away, he was less than one.

"Nice greeting for someone you haven't seen in six months," he scoffed.

"Sorry, come in," Halle said, ashamed of herself, senses returning. She moved a bit to the side so he could enter. "What brings you here? How did you know I was here?" She could not keep the absolute curiousity out her voice as she still stared up at him.

"I'm psychic," he teased, entering the cream colored suite as she stood by.

"No, really, how?" She was beginning to get hostile. She wanted a real answer from him, not just some joke.

"The girl who won the contest told me after the concert," JC finally answered, after contemplating whether he should tell her or not.

"Samantha?" she asked.

"Jill."

"Figures she would," said Halle in a low voice. Jill was crazy about JC.

"What?" asked JC, struggling to hear.

She looked up quickly. "Nothing," she said. "What brings you here?" she asked, restating the question he had not yet answered.

"Oh," he said, as if he suddenly remembered. "I got you something."

"You got me something?" she asked, taken aback. That was the least of what she expected after six months of not seeing each other, a present for her.

Out of his leather coat he took a small package wrapped in red and handed it to her wordlessly.

"What is it?" she asked, taking the package lightly from him, though hesitating for a few seconds as she stared at it in disbelief.

"Open it and see," he told her, not disclosing any information.

Gingerly, she took hold of the package. It was soft and felt like it was in some small bag. She took the ends of the wrapping and carefully opened each one. Though she almost couldn't stand the suspence of not knowing, she was holding onto every strand of patience.

Out she pulled a package... of Starbucks coffee. She looked up to JC's face to see him smiling comically. "Happy Valentine's Day," he said to her as he smiled down at her.

She broke into laughter. "At least it's Starbucks. I'd be forced to kill you otherwise," she teased. "It's... it's in a very nice bag. Very... red." It had little hearts all over it too, it was the Valentine's Day decoration.

"Yup, and look," he said, grabbing hold of the bag and pointing to some print. "It's a special brew."

She laughed at him, as if that was supposed to make any sort of difference. What was it about JC that forever made her want to laugh? Six months apart, and it was now she found that she could still laugh. She had gone from shock to laughter in less than five minutes. They were strange things JC could do to her. It was no wonder she was scared. She cleared her throat, now nervous once again.

"Umm, why don't we go and have a seat?" she offered, showing him to the couch. He just nodded and followed her.

"Oh," he stopped her. "These are for you too."

She stopped and looked at him as he reached inside his jacket and pulled out two roses, dethorned and cut. Strangely, they were not smashed or squashed. They were perfect, two roses side by side, one red, one white, touching just slightly. Her heart tugged in a strange way as he held them out to her, his fingertips touching them lightly on the stems. Her own hand came forward awkwardly, her stomach was not feeling right. What had brought this on? Did she even have to ask?

She grasped the roses, touching his fingers as she took them into her hand. Immediately, she brought them to her nose to smell. As she inhaled their heavenly scents, she suddenly became very self-concious. She pulled her head up quickly, "The roses are beautiful. Thank you, JC. I'm sorry I don't have anything for you...."

JC waved away her words. "I didn't expect anything. I show up after six months, it's a miracle that you even let me in here. And you're welcome." His grin was forgiving.

Her face was tense and she smiled nervously at him before continuing on to the sofa. He followed her steps, still smiling at her.

The sofa was a great comfort to her. Very suddenly she had become weak at the knees. Perhaps because she had glimpsed his eyes, so intent upon her face. A deep red blush might have appeared across her cheeks had she not turned away. JC settled down comfortably beside, a foot away from where she sat. She smiled at him hesitantly. "So how have these past six months been for you?"

JC shrugged his shoulders, "Hell," he answered bluntly. "I just couldn't get back into work for a while. I had other things on my mind." Other people, he corrected in his mind. "How about you? I haven't talked to you in a while."

I've been missing you. "Well, I threw myself back into my work. It was just something to do, you know. I had a lot of things to think about too."

"Like what?"

Her eyes flew open as her head spun to face him directly. Did he suspect that the answer was him? Her entire frame was nervous and quickly she put her head back down so her eyes wouldn't tell her secret. It had been him. "Umm, just stuff- the usual."

She seemed a bit hesitant to tell him the truth, so he did not press her any further. He just nodded his head. "How... how are you?" He felt dumb, he couldn't think of anything else to ask her.

"I'm ok. How about you?"

He smiled, trying to get the atmosphere in the room back to some normalcy. "You just looked a little nervous. But I'm ok too, I guess. I mean, here I am, healthy right?"

She smiled at him, but in her mind ran a thousand thoughts, a river of dark water. I wish I could be healthy too. But my heart's not ok. It was bad when you left, but now that you've come back...

Pregnant silence filled the room as they sat there, quiet, for a few minutes. "So..." they both started at the same time.

"You go first," Halle offered.

"No, it's alright. Say what you have to say."

"No, no, it wasn't important. Please, JC, go first." Her voice held a pleading tone that he just couldn't ignore.

"Alright," he said, taking up her offer at her own insistence. "I just came to talk to you. It's been so long since we talked, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, it has been."

"Why did we stop talking?" he asked.

She sighed. "I don't know. I guess it was a little awkward."

"Awkward?" he asked, looking up at her. He would have answered the exact same thing had he been asked.

Had she said that? Hastily, she corrected herself. "Busy, I meant busy. Things have been busy. For both of us," she added quickly.

"Yeah..." he answered. Maybe it had been a slip of tongue. "We had such good memories, didn't we? Like the cake fight. Remember that? You got me a cake for my birthday."

Once again, she smiled. "Oh, I remember that. Chris, Mr. Maturity himself, declared war and I remember we beaned you! That was so much fun!"

"And Story Oratory, the first time we met in the park, oh, and the art show. Do you remember that?"

All too well. "Of course," she answered in a low voice. "How could I forget?"

"What happened to us, Halle?"

Her heart hurt now, just as it had hurt the night after the art show. She remembered every single detail, as if it were yesterday, how she had let him in then tried to push him out. What had been hard for her then would be even harder now. Why had she tried distanced herself? She knew why. She was afraid if she didn't leave soon, she'd be forever trapped. She slowly raised her eyes to JC's. "I don't know, JC. Some things just change."

"Did we have to change?"

"Everything changes,"

"But to what? Has anything changed between us? I feel the same way about you now as I did then." It was a leap for him, but 'be bold' Justin had said.

Her throat constricted as he said the words each like a leaden brick to her heart and soul. I feel the same too. Tears were going to spring into her eyes at any moment. She had to turn away.

The bed creaked a bit. Both pairs of eyes flew to the bed to the right of the room. There sat Josh, rubbing his tired eyes. As he stopped rubbing his eyes, he looked up. "Blue...?" he asked in a small voice. It was almost as though he thought it was a dream, that it couldn't be believed. A wide smile came to JC's face.

Josh, realizing this, that it wasn't a dream, jumped of the bed. "Blue!!!!" he yelled, vigor in both his voice and step. He ran into JC's waiting arms. "Blue!" he exclaimed again. "I didn't know you were coming!"

"Surprise!" said JC. "Hey, look, I got something for you, a present."

"For me?" he asked.

"Yup. For you." From his jacket, he produced a small box wrapped in red as hers had been. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Cool!" exclaimed Josh, settling down on JC's knee. His little fingers hurried to open the gift. Josh tore off the paper quickly. Out he pulled a small box, decorated in hearts and Star Wars figurines. "Yay! Star Wars!" he said, recognizing the characters that decorated the box.

"Yup," confirmed JC. "Saw it in a toy store and thought it was so cute, and I thought of Josh," he said, informing Halle.

She smiled weakly at him, watching Josh's face light up. She witnessed first hand the affection between the two.

"Is Yoda inside, Blue? He's my favorite character," Josh declared.

JC laughed. "I like Han Solo best, but Yoda's good too. I'll bet they're all inside. Why don't you see for yourself?"

That was all the prompting Josh needed before he ripped open the box. Inside lay the Star Wars character shaped in chocolate. "It's chocolate, Josh," said JC as he smiled down at him.

"You mean I can eat it?" Josh questioned.

"Yup," confirmed JC.

"But why would you want to eat Yoda?" asked Josh confused.

JC laughed aloud, a deep, rich laugh that made Halle's heart skip a beat. Two this time. "It's just candy, Josh. You can eat it," JC said smiling. He looked over to Halle. "Have you been taking care of your Mom like I told you to?" asked JC, speaking to Josh, though not looking at him.

Halle's eyes widened. She hadn't known JC told him that. Josh nodded. "Yup. She's busy all the time now, Aunt Kel says, but she's never too busy for me." He smiled proudly.

JC reached out to ruffle his hair and smile down at the small dark head that was playing with his chocolate. He turned back to Halle, a smile on his face. "So how did Kel's art exhibit go?"

"Oh, wonderful," Halle answered, smiling. "It really was the break she needed." She laughed lightly. "Do you remember the gallery owner we met?"

"Alex, I think his name was?" JC ventured as he thought about it.

Halle nodded her head. "You've got a good memory, yeah, Alex. He and Kel are going out now."

JC smiled knowingly. "I thought so. When I was talking to him, every other sentence was about Kel and how great she and her work were."

"I know, Kel was the same way." Actually, we were talking about you. "I'm surprised it took the this long to get them going. They were just sweet on other a whole month after the exhibition ended before he asked her out! Of course she accepted, very gratefully." Halle laughed. "She was going to ask him out anyway if he didn't ask her in a few days."

JC joined in her laughter. "That's the Kel I know, bold, brazen and totally letting everything hang out."

"That's pretty accurate. You get that impression of her right off the bat because she has such a forward attitude. People don't really like or understand it until they get to know her better like I do. Haha, I can see her asking Alex to marry her, let alone ask him out on a date. I wonder if it will take them as long to get around to marrying each other as it took them to begin dating?" JC laughed at her thoughts just as she seemed to be, but inside, her mind was on other things.

Yeah, I know Kel well, a little too well. She could see Kel gaping at her at this very minute and calling her a hypocrite for having said that she and Alex took a long time to get together. Kel was still persistent with the JC issue, though it had cooled somewhat. After all, she got reminders. She spoke and saw JC more than Halle did! You haven't talked to him at all, idiot!

She was glad they were talking about something other than them. She felt more comfortable then. But her mind couldn't help wandering to 'them' anyway. What were they now to each other? Things surely must have changed. Otherwise, how did they get to this point? But what had changed? Her? No, she was still trying to push him away, even when he wasn't there. Him? She didn't think so. He had said he still felt the same way about her. Maybe she was just as much a fool as she was before, making the same mistakes.

The only problem was, she didn't know what was right. She had let her quest for independence get to her. There was a thin line between controlling and being controlled. Once, she had sought to control her own destiny by become strong and independent. Now it controlled her. The order she had once established in order to strengthen her stand in a life of chaos had become laws so rigid that her own will was taken away in the process. Now she couldn't be sure of anything anymore. Was she controlling or being controlled? Maybe she was a bigger fool now.

-*-*-*-

She pressed herself against the door. She was glad Josh was asleep. She didn't want him to see her this way. She didn't want anyone to see her this way. Of course, he could always wake up again, but... As she hugged her knees to her chest, she looked towards the bed. Her mind replayed the scene that had taken place not even ten minutes ago. Josh had fallen asleep in JC's lap. As Halle had moved to take Josh from JC to put him to bed, JC had stopped her.

Instead, he had lifted Josh himself. Every move he made was careful, careful not to wake or jostle him. She felt like crying then. And JC had taken Josh over to the bed, Halle following JC's every step, trailing him. He had laid Josh down gently and kissed his forehead softly before tucking him in. Halle had tears in her eyes before he even raised his head from her son's. She had blinked her eyes furiously to rid herself of the tears. She could not let him see her cry.

Her mind raced on. She remembered when they had sat back down on the sofa, or rather, she had sat down on the very edge of the seat and he had stared pensively at her down turned head. The air was full of electricity. Whether it was positive or negatice had yet to be resolved. She felt his eyes on her, and when she lifted herself, she found herself staring straight into his eyes. He did not even have the decency to waver his stare. The blue topazes stared straight into her dark eyes. She wasn't able to tear her gaze away, just like before. He held her, whether he knew it or not.

He had cleared his throat and she looked up at that. Silence had yet again permeated the room. "So when are you leaving?" he had asked her. She could remember every single word with crystal clarity. They replayed over and over in her head.

"Tomorrow," she had answered a bit hesitantly.

"Tomorrow? Why so soon?" he asked, looking concerned right then.

"Well, you know, we have lives to get back to." Her voice was a little sharper than she had meant it to be.

"So this was a vacation?"

She thought about it. "Well, you could say that," she answered slowly.

"When are you going to visit me?" He had meant for it to be as it was. His question was pointed, he wanted an answer. No more beating around the bush for it was too dense.

She swallowed at his forward words. When would she visit him? "Well, maybe a better word for this is a business trip. I mean, I did come here on business," she said sheepishly.

"That doesn't answer my question."

She couldn't believe what JC was saying. When had he become so... bold? She couldn't decide if she liked it or not, but right now, she felt it was invading her space. It was though he was demanding something she didn't want to give. She was afraid of her answer and even more afraid of what she wanted to answer.

The way JC saw it, he had already began to be forward. Why stop now? "Uh, I..." she stuttered.

"I what?" he asked pointedly, not moving from his stance. He was now standing right in front of her. Halle felt trapped, as though he were cornering her.

"I..." she began again. "JC! You're not making this any easier on me!"

His jaw dropped in disbelief. "And do you think you're making it any easier on me? I came to see you tonight because I wanted to. Did you even want to see me?"

She was taken aback by his question. "JC, I don't know what's gotten in..."

"Answer the question," he said firmly, moving even closer to her. "Yes or no."

"JC, I..."

JC seemed to fall weak right in front of her. His houlders hunched a little and his posture became more ragged as he stepped towards her. "Please, Halle, just answer the question, please. Did you want to see me?" He was begging her now; he took her breath away.

Her mind lost all semblance on control. As her eyes stared up at his tortured face, she felt she owed him just this one allowance. It isn't the much, right? she asked herself as she tried to justify what she was bout to tell him. Just one thing he asked, just one. Her voice croaked a little as she moved to speak. "Yes."

Her voice was breathless, wisping on a thousand sighs. And from the same pool, JC seemed to be breathing, letting out a breath held in captivity. So he hadn't come here in vain. Thank God for that.

Halle wasn't feeling well at all. Her stomach was a mess; her mind was a mess; her heart was a mess; she was a mess. She was scared stiff already. What so incapacitated her that she could not act out in her true self? She wanted to scream in frustration, why was she such a... Jerk! She knew it too. But she realized she had a long ways to go before she could ever be... right. She needed help, but who did she turn to? Her shrinks? They were miles away in New York. JC? He was who she needed help with. A lot. She needed time to herself, to sort through her feelings, to understand what coursed through her veins. She had ignored them for more than six months. She knew it was time now to review them. Just a little time to herself...

Halle cleared her throat. "I think it's time for you to leave, JC," she said quietly, but firmly.

JC was surprised. "But you just..."

She almost froze at that, but instead only hesitated for a moment before standing up. "I know what I said," she confirmed, swallowing. "And JC, you have to know that I meant it. I'm glad you came."

"Then why are you pushing me away again?" he demanded.

"I'm not... JC, it's more complicated than you think. You don't know the whole story and you don't understand."

"So make me understand!" he almost yelled in frustration. "Please, I want to understand."

She shook her head. "I can't... I need to do it by myself... just understand that."

He became sarcastic. "You need to do everything by yourself, don't you? Everything. Well, one day you're going to fall and no one is going to be there to help you up because you've pushed them all away with your selfish needs to be 'independent'! You and your stupid independence: it's a bunch of bull and so is this act you're trying to pull! I feel sorry for you. I want to help you and be there for you, yet you push me away. Every kind thought or motion I've extended towards you, you've thrown away like some garbage. It hurts me and I'm tired of trying! I always thought I was the fool, you know. The fool for feeling the way I do about you when you don't feel the same about me. And don't act naive, you know what I'm talking about. Well, to hell with you. I was wrong. I'm not the fool, you are!"

His outburst left Halle in shock. She had never seen this side of JC. JC's reaction was much the same. He had spoken his mind without thinking. Now he knew he must suffer the consequences. Immediately, he was sorry. His jaw slacked as he realized what he had just said. Stuttering, he tried to make amends. "Halle, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was saying. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. I- I'm sorry..."

Halle put her hand up to stop him and gritted her teeth. "I'm not angry, you don't have to apologize. I asked you to leave."

"Halle, I'm really sorry, please?"

"Shh," she said. "You don't need to be sorry."

"Yes, I do, I need..."

"I'll tell you what you need. You need to leave."

"Please Halle, just give me another chance."

"JC, please, stop. Please, just go, ok? That would be best."

JC's shoulders caved in. "Alright, if that's what you want, Halle. Just to let you know, you have every right to be mad at me. I'm the fool." With that he turned around and walked to the door, letting himself out without so much as a good-bye. Talk about playing the fool.

-*-*-*-

He was gone... out the door, never looking back, but his shoulders stayed hunched the entire way. He was defeated, but her victory hadn't felt like one at all. She was glad he hadn't looked back, or he would have seen her staring at him with such a forlorn look in her eyes. Her hand gripped the doorknob, the handle soon becoming warm against her palm. It was only for support. She needed something to hold on to because she wasn't sure she wouldn't collapse on her own. No matter what she did, she couldn't bring herself to shut it, banish him from her sight... not until he was gone.

She felt so alone, like something had left her. To watch him walk away... it was torture. But there was even a worse feeling that circulated through her being... that she had brought it on herself, that she herself had driven him away, that is was all her fault, just like he had said. She couldn't bring herself to say that he was wrong, her heart would no longer deny the truth. Hadn't it always been her fault then? Me, me, me. She felt like hitting her head against something. She deserved all the pain she recieved.

Me, me, me... yeah, that's all I've been thinking about, isn't it? As much as she didn't want to admit it, she was scared. Afraid of not him, but herself. Why did she suddenly feel that she didn't deserve him? She had hurt herself too. Her heart had jumped as she had found him at her door, just as it had snapped and almost torn right there in her chest, an acute piercing pain, aching as he walked away. She put her hand up to her forehead. He had been there for quite some time.

She couldn't stay this way forever, pitious and shameful. She could get up, walk around, and live her life. But it would never be the same again, as much as she had tried to resist change. She thought of how happy she had been before she ever met JC. And all the while she had seeked to keep her life as it once was. But it could no longer be. That life had infinetly changed course and could never be the same as she remembered it. No longer could it hold any happiness for her.

She felt helpless; she wanted to lay down and cry. She didn't know what to do, she felt like she was losing. And then she gasped, her eyes widening and her hand coming to her mouth in realization. She was losing. She hadn't been completely wrong. She just wanted the future to be like the past she had built for herself- calm and secure. But what she hadn't realized before, she realized now- she was trying to move forward in a suit now too small. It just couldn't be.

With her head in her hands, she closed her eyes. She wanted to forget, She wanted to cry. She wanted to forget about strong. If being weak was the answer to her pain, she was all for it. It just hurt too much to bear. Just like at the airport, she wanted JC to come back. Regretfully, she wondered if she had driven him away. She looked back at Joshua, sleeping peacefully in the same position that JC had left him. She could just picture JC, leaning down... Her head covered her mouth before she yelled out. That was all the motivation she needed. She ran to the phone.

-*-*-*-

"Congrats," yelled Chris as JC walked into the hotel room. JC looked at him like he was crazy. It was a look he got a lot. JC had come directly from Halle's hotel and he wasn't in the best of moods. He looked sullen and downcast. That didn't escape the attention of any of them. They were all gathered around the room, except for Justin, who related a brief 'hi' as he combed his hair in the bathroom, and Joey who sat secluded in the other room talking on the phone. JC could hear him though he couldn't see him.

"Why so sad?" asked Lance, sitting on the bed and reading some letters, briefly looking up.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," JC bit out. He was cursing himself, as he had been the whole way to the hotel. Looking in, a grim expression greeted anyone who cared to look, his mouth set in a firm line.

"I thought you'd be happy!" shouted Chris after JC had walked away from him.

JC stopped in his tracks, but didn't turn around, annoyed. He tought Chris was talking about seeing Halle after six months. As he took a deep breath pressing on his patience, he told Chris once more, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, fine," came Chris's answer. "I just thought you'd be happy about Halle staying."

JC almost screamed out in frustration. "Chris, I told you, I don't..." He spun around. "Wait, what did you say?" he asked incredulous.

Chris looked up at him from the chair he was sitting on. "I said Halle..."

"I know what you said!" JC shouted. His eyes seemed to look through everything.

"Ok, so why did you ask..."

JC now focused on Chris. "I don't believe you." It was said with determination and grit.

"JC," started Chris, himself now confused. He saw the grit in JC's eyes, a look that had lost something and would no longer pretend he was getting it back..

"I don't believe you," he said a bit louder.

"It's true..." started Chris.

"No, that can't be. It's over, I finished it. I don't appreciate you joking with me like this." His tone was getting hostile.

He didn't know what JC was talking about. And they called him the crazy. Chris betted they would pay big money to see JC this way. Unfortunately, Chris was a much better friend than to rat a friend out. "I..." started Chris, not knowing what to say, confused and a little afraid.

But JC didn't need anything to be said. He swung wildly in the air as his face contorted in grief. His swing had landed him on the cushion of a nearby couch where he hung his head. "I called her a fool, Chris. A fool! I yelled at her! I've never yelled at her before! You and your stupid advice, Justin! Look where it got me!" he called into the bathroom. The room was entirely quiet now, except for Joey in other room, chattering away, totally oblivious. Justin had stopped combing his hair with his hand midway in the air as he watched JC's outburst. Lance's head had just turned, letter still in hand, though he was not reading it. And Chris, Chris sat like a statue, not moving. None of them wanted to in case JC blew more than just a fuse.

JC knew it was uncharacteristic of him, but this anger had been bubbling inside him for how long he didn't know. He just knew it wasn't healthy to keep it inside and now was the time it needed to go, whether or not it was the best time. So just as Halle had experienced aside of him rarely revealed, his best friends would get the same revelation. He continued. "She won't even hear my apology! She said she didn't want one and then told me to leave! And it's all my fault!" He hung once more, drained. He took a deep breath, counting to ten. "I'm sorry, you guys. I don't blame any of you. I called Halle a fool, I'm the fool."

It was Chris who found his voice and legs first, walking into the other room and grabbing the phone from Joey who looked bewildered by the turn of events. "Here," he said, handing the phone to JC. "From one fool to another."

For a few seconds, JC just stared at the phone in Chris's hands, wondering what he should do. As Chris motioned for him to take it once more take, JC slowly took it and placed it to his ear. "Hello?" he asked unknowingly.

"JC?" a voice asked. Within half a second, he knew it was Halle.

"Halle? Is it true, you're staying? They're not kidding me?" His heart was pumping too fast for him to find out if was a joke now. It just might break if he found out they were just horsing around with him and his heart. He waited for her voice.

Out came the innocent to greet him, Halle, whose voice seemed rather shy now. "Surprise?"