The evening was filled with the hustle and bustle of rush. Apparently, she wasn't the only one trying to get home in rush. Well, she'd hardly ever been in a rush like this before and everything just seemed to slow her down. This was New York, after all, not so strange after all. The only strange this about this scene was her, and what a good mood she was in.

She'd been that way ever since their phone call. Even the meeting hadn't seemed that bad or long. She knew she was thinking about him the way she shouldn't be, she was starting to like him. She'd liked him all along. And her dilemma was clear, but she wasn't thinking about that tonight. As she smiled in the hurried evening air, that was the furthest thing from her mind. She was thinking about how great it would be to be free, if only for one night. Into the crowd she went, heading home, and hoped to God that she wasn't making a mistake. Would it be too impossible to turn back? Would she even want to?

She flung her present thoughts to the far reaches of her mind and concentrated on something more pleasant. She thought of Josh sitting on JC's lap at story time. Or how he called her a princess. And this afternoon when he stuck up for her to save her face in front of her son, she had to thank him for that. Sorry wasn't enough. Had it been any other time than now, those thoughts wouldn't have been so appealing. Had she felt any way other than she did now, those thoughts might have been cursed to the back of her mind. But now she brought them forward willingly. She couldn't help but feel that for at least one night, just one, she deserved them. She found herself smiling.

-*-*-*-

JC was ready and waiting as he heard someone frantically rummaging through their bag as they tried to find something. One look out of the peephole told him that that somebody, was Halle, just who he had expected. Less than five minutes ago, he had finished giving Josh a little supper, just a bagel he had found in the fridge and some orange juice, but it would have to do. He had gotten Josh dressed in a dark green polo shirt, and some dark denim jeans he had found. He hoped Halle approved.

He opened the door for her before she could herself. She looked up and smiled brightly. "Are we ready?"

"Yes, we are," stated JC as he stepped out of the apartment, Josh in hand.

Halle smiled and took Josh's other hand. She leaned down to kiss the crown of his head. "Hi, baby. How's my boy?"

He looked up at her, wonder tugging at his eyebrows. "Are you still tired, Mommy?"

She looked at him questioning, but memories of this afternoon came rushing back to her. "Oh, no, honey. I'm not tired anymore."

"I won't play in the sandbox anymore if you don't want me to, Mommy."

Halle felt a pang of regret race through her veins. "No, no," she soothed him. "It wasn't you at all. I was just tired, like Blue said," She looked up and shot JC a smile, mouthing him a grateful 'thank you'.

JC saw this and he smiled and nodded his head, saying nothing. He slipped on his sunglasses as they stepped outside, not wanting to be recognized. But he was happy. Tonight was going perfectly. He planned to keep it that way if he could. He remembered what his mother had said, "Well, son, if you think she's worth it, then change her mind." He had told his mother that she was worth it. Now he set out to change her mind. Tonight was a gift. Apparently, he hadn't needed to try at all. What change of heart had brought this? Whatever it was, he was willing to settle for it.

"Oh, God," said Halle, as they had walked for a good ten minutes. The street was full and overcrowded, forcing them to wind along the road. "We're never going to make it on time." They were already walking at such a pace that Josh had to scurry along to keep up. He was getting very tired, both of them could see that much.

JC suddenly stopped and held Halle's arm, causing her to stop in her tracks as well. "Hold on," he said to he as he knelt down to the ground. "Ok, Josh, hop on my shoulders," he commanded. Josh, too tired to walk, took to the idea very well and bounded over, settling down with a plop. Halle herself had been contemplating lifting Josh up. "Ok, now we power walk," said JC. "If we want to make it there it time." He shed his eyes upward. "Hold on tight." Josh immediately tightened his body around JC's. "Ok, let's update the 'hold on tight' part. Don't strangle me either!"

Josh laughed, loosening his little body. "Sorry Blue!"

No sooner than he had said that, they were off, zigzagging through the crowd, Josh having the time of his life. JC loved to hear him giggle when they zoomed past a store with its door open, blowing air on him. JC reveled in how natural it felt. Halle meanwhile was having a good time of it, smiling as she saw how Josh and JC got along. He seemed to be just what Josh needed, because Halle had never seen Josh react so quickly or affectionately to someone in her life. It was ironic, she didn't think she had ever smiled so much in her life, yet it was one thing she was fighting against. But not today.

-*-*-*-

They arrived at the art show a little after six, having made a grand rush. As they entered the building, JC let Josh down from his shoulders and they looked for Kel. JC had casually slid off his sunglasses, now that he was inside. These were art buffs, he thought, less chance of getting noticed. Both their eyes roamed over, surveying the crowd, trying to spot her. But neither saw her first. It was little Josh who let out an enthused, "Aunt Kel!"

There she was, standing not quite alone in front of one of the pieces she had done a year or two back. Josh ran to her and she bent down to give him a bear hug. Josh and Halle followed, smiling as they calmly walked to her together. "Hey, Kel," she said, as soon as she was close enough.

"Hey Hal," But their calm voices did not reflect the sparkle in their eyes and they affectionately embraced each other. It was then they remembered that Kel had not exactly been alone.

Standing quiet to the side was a dark man, and inch or so shorter than JC. His skin was tanned and his hair was wild, purple too. But despite his wild look, he was dressed rather conservatively- at first glance. "Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the gallery owner, Alexander. Alex, this is Halle, JC, and Josh."

Alexander shook hands with all of them, one by one as Kelly introduced. "Very pleased to meet you, young man," he said to Josh. "Keeping Mommy and Daddy company?"

Kel eyes widened, wondering what Halle would do. Halle herself expected an outburst from her, like earlier today. But none came. Instead she just smiled at Alexander, forgiving his blunder, and promptly saying nothing to correct him. Kel on the other hand had let her jaw slack and she looked on with disbelief.

Alexander instead went on. "Kel is very talented. I saw her work at the annual NYU fair and it was amazing. She's amazing," he added quietly, so no one would catch it, but Halle did. At further glance, his suit concealed a shirt made out of black sheer mesh that barely covered anything. Halle looked over at JC and caught him staring straight back at her. Those blue eyes of his that she just wanted to get lost in...

Suddenly, Josh pointed his finger at Alexander's stomach, which his pants were well below. "What is that?" he asked in bewilderment.

"Josh!" reprimanded Halle. "It's not nice to point, you know that."

Josh looked suitably sorry. "Sorry mister," he said, his face darkening.

Instead, Alexander laughed. "Just call me Alex," he told the little boy. And this," he said, lifting the ends of his shirt up. "Is a tattoo."

"What's a tattoo?" Josh asked.

"Well, it's like a drawing, but on the skin," he said, trying to describe it in terms that could be comprehended by a toddler.

"Oh! I make tattoos!" said Josh, his eyes flashing. "But I make them with crayons on paper!" he said with a grin.

Alex roared. "Well," he said. "I would certainly love to see your drawings..er..tattoos."

Josh grinned. "They're hanging up on the fridge where Mommy put them."

"Halle," interrupted JC as Josh chattered on with Alex about his 'tattoos'. She looked at him as he called her, a smile alighting on her face as she turned. JC's face too was soft. "You guys only have ten minutes left. I'll leave you two alone now." Halle looked at him with a wide smile on her face. Once again, she had something to thank him for. She couldn't very well talk to Kel about what was on her mind when the guys were here.

"Yeah," said Alex, catching his drift. "Is there anything you ladies want? We're going over to the refreshment table."

"Umm, no thanks," said Halle.

"Nothing for me," echoed Kel. The boys nodded as JC hauled off Josh. They were now talking about Star Wars. "So what was that about?" asked Kel. with a slight touch of mirth in her voice.

"What was what about?" asked Halle mindlessly, watching the boys walk off.

"Stop watching JC's butt."

That was enough to turn Halle around and bring her back to the land of the living. "What did you say? I wasn't..." she started to say, but Kel just laughed at her.

"You weren't listening. That was the fastest way to get you back. Now I'm wondering even more!" she announced.

"What are you wondering?" Halle asked evenly.

"Just why on Earth you keep denying you like him. Wake up! You can see it in both your eyes. It's pathetic and insulting that you too just can't seem to figure it out for yourselves. You know, you're the kind of people that give mankind a bad name. You can't see what's right in front of you!"

Halle was used to her friend's bluntness. She even went so far as to admire it, although to people who didn't know her, Kel seemed astonishingly rude. But Kel, if given a chance, was as warm and caring person as you'd ever meet. She had been there for Halle and Halle would never forget it.

"Hey, I'm not the only one with some chemistry. Something's brewing with you and Mr. Alexander!"

She smiled fondly. "Yes, something is, but I don't deny it."

"Ok, ok," said Halle, holding up her hands in mock surrender. "You win, you've made your point."

"Well, it'll do you no good if you don't follow it too. Mind telling me just what happened?"

"Ok, what is 'what' that you seem to be so concerned about?"

Kel rolled her eyes. "Some people are just natural blondes," she said as she looked to no one in particular, but Halle knew it was meant for her. "You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure it out. Just what happened out there when Alex called JC Josh's dad?"

"Nothing happened," said Halle.

"You're darned right nothing did. You didn't deny it!"

For once, Halle was a little peeved at her friend. "Kelly, I am trying to enjoy my night. Things with him haven't been to pleasant and he's been so...so...perfect! I can't stand it! I look like a monster with no feelings."

This time Kel bellowed, her head tipping back. "Halle, why are you trying to deny your feelings for him?"

Halle started to open her mouth, but she was struck dumb. She had planned on retorting some quick comeback, but none came. She was literally speechless. "I...I don't know," she admitted. "I'm just worried about Josh. I don't want JC to hurt him..."

"Halle," Kel said sternly. "That's a bunch of BS and you know it. It's for your own selfish reasons that you keep locking JC out. You know you have feelings for him, so why don't you do yourself a favor and just admit it?"

Halle didn't know what to say, but Kel spoke so she didn't have to. "Just tell me you don't have feelings for him, and I'll leave you alone. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel something for him and you're not just holding back."

Halle look at her. Her mouth opened. But nothing came out. She tried again, much to the same result. She couldn't say, she just couldn't. She couldn't lie to her best friend, not when her best friend had done so much for her already She looked down defeatedly. "Ok, I like him. Why do you always have to be so right?"

Kel chuckled. "This one didn't take much insight, given how much I know about you and how darned stubborn you can be. I think I met my match in you." Kel's voice softened. "You made one mistake a long time ago. Don't make another one."

-*-*-*-

"Time to go," said Halle a few minutes later, as she now confidently strode over to JC.

"Huh?" he asked, confused. "We're not staying?"

"Nope," she shook her head. "The show's starting in just a few minutes, and I don't think I could get him to stand still anymore." She pointed to Josh who was eagerly chatting away with Kel, his aunt he hadn't seen in a very long time. "Besides, I'm hungry. Do you want to take me to dinner?"

His eyes light up like Christmas tree lights at her request. "I'd love to," he said eagerly, his eyes capturing hers. What he saw in there was genuine and suddenly, his heart was in a rush.

She smiled. "Great, but we better leave now if we're ever going to leave. I don't want to walk out when the show has already started."

He nodded, but glanced over at Josh and Kel. "Are you sure it's alright with Kel? I mean, I'm sure she didn't ask you here for nothing."

"Nope, she didn't and she didn't get 'nothing'. She agrees with me. In fact. she wants me to go eat. She knows the show will be boring for Josh. Besides, it's nothing I haven't seen already. None of her work here is new. She'll unveil the new stuff next month."

"Are you sur.."

Halle silenced him as she took his hand into hers. "I'm totally sure."

JC wasn't going to argue with that. "Ok, I'm going over to get Josh." She watched as he scampered off, a schoolboy again. They said their good-bye's quickly and left just minutes before the show assembled. With Josh in JC's arm, they raced down the steps. Halle was throwing heed into the wind, she knew, but maybe that was where this heed belonged. She had had enough with heed.

-*-*-*-

JC held the chair out for Halle as she sat down. "Thank you," she said, casting a wide smile in his direction. Just minutes ago they had been wandering the streets of New York in the pale blue light. But they were both growing hungrier by the minute. The one stipulation for a restaurant was that they stay close to Halle's apartment. JC had completely agreed with her. Her area of New York was good, but not all the areas of New York were. Still the fact that Halle's neighborhood was good was no proof against the homeless or any criminal. But Halle felt a little more safe just knowing that JC was there to protect her. 'JC was there to protect her.' The sentence jumped out of nowhere, but she let it stay just where it was.

The room was aglow with light and decorated in Chinese theme lanterns. To authenticate it further, it had been playing Chinese music over the speaks. The restaurant wasn't empty as they came in, but sparsely populated with only a few people seated at the tables. The woman in charge had taken one look at them and barked in broken English, "Family, 3!" Halle had covered her mouth as she broke into a silent giggle along with JC. Where as once she would have found it offending, she now found it amusing. This newfound attitude had brought her the ability to laugh and she was enjoying it. She wasn't the only one.

Halle was now giddy with laughter as Josh told them all about Alexander's tattoos. "Mommy," he announced. "I want a tattoo."

Halle looked at him with a smile on her lips and laughed. "Maybe when you get older, Josh."

"Why not now?" he whined. "Blue? Don't you want a tattoo?" he asked.

"Nope," said JC, shaking his head playfully.

"Why not?" asked Josh.

"Alright," he laughed. "I'll tell you a secret. I'm afraid of needles."

"You are?"

"Ummhmm," he nodded. "Even the ones in the hospitals and doctor's offices, And you have to get stuck with a needle hundreds of times to get a tattoo."

That was when Josh decided he definitely did not want a tattoo. Needles reminded him of the doctor's office and he definitely did not like the doctor's office.

A short thin waiter came up to them and handed them all menus. "What kind of drinks would you all like?" he asked in a Bronx accent.

"Umm, Jasmine tea?" Halle asked JC. He nodded and turned to Josh.

"What do you want, Josh?"

"Apple juice," said Josh, looking down at his placemat. It was decorated with dragons.

"Do you have apple juice?" JC turned to ask the waiter.

He nodded as he wrote on his pad. "Just a moment," he said politely and went to retrieve their drinks, disappearing behind a red door.

"Mommy," said Josh. "This dragon looks like the one Alex has."

"He has a tattoo of a dragon?"

"Yes! On his back!" he said. "He let me touch it. And it moves when he moves his arm. Magic!"

Halle watched Josh's face light up at the simplest things. Well, not so simple, not to a child. She would not let anyone ruin Josh's dreams if it was in her power. Sometimes she couldn't believe she was Josh's mother. When she was a little girl, she never planned it this way. You couldn't have held up a crystal ball to her and asked her what she saw for herself. But the circumstances of her life had brought her here. She wanted to think she could make fate, but she knew she was wrong. She could fight, but she wouldn't succeed. Tonight was fate.

"I can't read this!" said JC in dismay. He had his head down in his menu. They had opened their menus, red vinyl covered and were skimming the entrees.

She looked over at him in confusion. "JC, there's English right below the Chinese," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but there's nothing but Chinese in this little box right here. I can't read it."

She chuckled and scooted her chair over a tiny bit closer to him and bent over so she could see his menu. "Here, let me," she offered.

"You can read Chinese?!" he exclaimed.

She giggled. "Wow, at least you didn't assume I could right off the bat. I was born in Hong Kong, but I moved here when I was six. My parents were very strict with my Chinese education, so even after I came to America, I was enrolled in a Chinese school that I went to every afternoon after regular school."

"Hey, that's pretty cool, I wish I could speak another language. And you don't even have an accent!" That brought further chuckling from her, but the clanking of silverware and porcelain cut them off. She smiled as the waiter carefully laid down their drinks: a pot of steaming tea and a small glass of apple juice with a straw in it for Josh.

"Don't worry about the Chinese. It's just for office use," she told JC. He nodded. As the waiter placed the drinks around the table he got out his little pad once again. "Are you ready to order?" he asked.

JC held up his finger. "Can we just have a few more minutes, please?" he asked.

The waiter nodded and stepped away as JC turned to Halle. "Alright, is there anything in particular that you want?" he asked.

"Well, Josh will only eat the hakou and gowju, so you might as well get those."

JC was at a loss for words. He didn't know what they were. Halle laughed at him and pointed to the appetizers on the menu. "Is there anything else you want?" JC asked her.

She shook her head. "No, I'll eat anything you want. No preference tonight."

He smiled a her. "Are you sure?"

She nodded and laughed. "Well, I am in the mood for some soup. Wonton," she said with conviction. He nodded.

The waiter chose that moment to come back. "Are you ready," he asked them. They both nodded. Josh, meanwhile, had found some crayons in Halle's purse and was busily coloring his paper placemat. The waiter, poised with his writing pad. waited while JC read the orders off.

"Were you ever married to Josh's father?" JC asked Halle, looking for conversation, as they waited for their food to arrive.

Her heart froze. She never talked about Raul to anyone except for Kel, and even then she didn't enjoy the topic. Why had JC brought him up? Did he like seeing Halle squirm? How was she to answer his question? Would she answer it at all? Panic swept through Halle's mind as she debated over whether to lash out at JC or keep her mouth shut.

"I'm sorry," JC said quietly, realizing the discomfort on her face. "If you don't

wanna talk about it, I understand."

Halle's defenses crumbled. How could she possibly be rude when JC was being so nice? Why did he have to make it so darned difficult? She glanced down at Josh, wondering if he understood anything that was going on. No, he couldn't possibly, she decided. Josh was too young to know, and even if he could grasp the concept, he had no idea of who his father was. Josh never seemed to want to know, either. She wondered if he had ever thought about it..

"No, I was never married to him," Halle replied after a long while. "I made a mistake in college and he ran off. My parents disowned me, and I had to fend for myself. It took a while, but with Kel's help I managed to get on my feet." She summarized as quickly as she could, not wanting to linger.

There. That didn't hurt so bad.

"Do you ever regret not marrying him?" JC hesitated.

Halle paused for a moment. She never thought about that one. Once Raul was out of her life, he was gone for good. She never looked back once to even mull the idea.

"No, I don't regret it," Halle shook her head in response. Then she looked over at Josh, tussling his brown hair. She doubted that Raul could ever have been good for Josh anyway. The little boy grinned up at his mom before continuing back at coloring his placemat. "Sometimes I just wish that he had grandparents, you know?"

"I know my parents would love the little guy," JC said without thinking. He saw Halle's expression falter for a moment, and JC realized what he had said.

Whoa. He had to stop himself for a moment. Since when did Halle and Josh

become part of his future? JC didn't know when that happened, but now he couldn't imagine life without those two around.

"Your parents, JC?" Halle asked dryly, shooting him a look.

"They love kids," JC shrugged, trying to cover up his error. It was already too late; the words had been spoken, the damage done. As if an angel in disguise to save them both from any further awkwardness, the waitress came with their soup.

The rest of the conversation stayed away from any uncomfortable topics. JC

talked about the group's new CD and the recording that they were doing. They were really just re-editing it and sprucing up a few things before the final release. Halle talked about work and related humorous stories about Josh to JC, smiling gratefully as she realized what he was doing. It just caused her to think more highly of him.

They laughed heartily, and Halle couldn't remember a time when she had felt any better. There was a pause after the laughter, an awkward silence as Halle debated her next words.

"Are you close to your parents?" Halle asked JC tentatively. She had thought back to the beginning of their conversation, the one that she had purposely stopped, and now her curiosity got the best of her. She wanted to finish and for some reason, she wanted to know. As if it mattered, she told herself. But strangely, it did.

"Kind of," JC replied. "I don't get to see them much, but I talk to them practically every day." He fondly remembered their conversations on the phone. It wasn't the same as being there, but at least he got to hear their voices. He needed that. He remembered one conversation in particular, the one where JC had asked his mother for advice on Halle. Now, more than ever, her words floated through his head, if she's worth it, change her mind.

"I miss that," Halle said softly, staring at her plate, not at him anymore.

JC looked up and studied Halle's face. For the first time since he knew her, she actually appeared to be vulnerable. He had to step lightly around her, she was opening up and she wanted nothing to jeopardize that.

"Were you...close I mean?" JC asked lightly, hoping that Halle wouldn't be angered by his question.

Halle nodded slowly, still not meeting his gaze. "Especially to my dad. I just wish that Josh could have met him."

"Maybe it's not too late," JC reassured, trying to appease her worries. "Maybe in the future..."

"You don't understand Asian families, JC." Halle shook her head. "They love you like heck, but when you do something bad, something bad enough to get you out of the family, it stays that way. There's no happy reunion, no forgiveness. It would take a lot in order to get my father to even speak to me, let alone Josh. I am not his daughter and Josh is not his grandson. I never existed."

"I'm sorry, Hal," JC mumbled, not knowing what to say, maybe even how to stomach these words. God, what they had put her through. She looked so sad and defenseless that JC just wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that everything would be ok, but he couldn't make it alright. He felt so insufficient. Not that he wanted to be, but it wasn't in his power to make this better. A relationship did not heal in a day and he wasn't the one that needed to heal it.

"Nothing you can do about it," Halle shrugged, almost confirming his thoughts. Suddenly her brave front reappeared on her face and she smiled confidently. "So, when does this tour start?"

JC knew better than to pursue the topic of conversation, so he quickly answered Halle's question. But he couldn't help but wonder. For such a young woman, she had gone through so much. She was so strong to cope the way she did, he didn't know if he could. At the same time, he didn't want to push Halle, fearing he might go to far, so for the rest of the night, they both avoided any other sensitive topics.

"Let's take a cab home," JC suggested to Halle when they left the restaurant. "Josh doesn't look like he's got enough left in him to walk."

"OK," Halle complied. JC lifted Josh onto his shoulders and they exited the building and quickly walked to a corner where it would be easier to be seen. Expertly, Halle hailed a cab.

"No matter how often and how long I'm in New York, I can never do that," JC joked. "It must be natural."

Halle looked at him and smiled too, a sweet smile, thank you for tonight. "Must be."

-*-*-*-

JC whistled his way back to hotel, walking the short distance through the cool night air as the cab dropped him off by the sidewalk. If he was in a good mood tonight, it was because of Halle. Somehow, tonight, he felt closer to her than he had ever before. Perhaps it was because she had told him a bit about her past. Of course, she had passed it off as it was nothing to her anymore, but he wondered if that was true.

"Hey, Daddy," Justin greeted as he came through the door of their hotel room. Justin's greeting was soon followed by the greeting of the others, as they all sat in his hotel room. JC though his jacket across to the table.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Hehe," Chris snickered. "We could ask you the same thing."

"You look happy," commented Justin. "Like our perpetually happy ape, no offense."

"Who's that?" asked Joey, oblivious.

The room erupted in giggles and laughter. "Umm, no one," replied Lance, trying to recover. "So where were you?" he asked JC, quickly changing the subject.

"Out," he answered shortly, settling down on the dark blue couch Chris was sitting on.

"Out? Just out?" said Justin. "You're such a liar JC! Could it be a certain publicist..."

"Alright, I was out to dinner!" JC exclaimed before Justin could go any further. Chris started making kissing noises and put both is hands in front of him, holding the air in a hug. "Uh, Chris, you're so immature!"

Chris laughed. "So have you kissed her yet, Romeo?"

JC momentarily paled. "No," he answered quickly.

Everybody in the room sat up with a look of surprise. "Whaaat?"!" exclaimed Chris. "You haven't kissed her yet?!"

JC looked uncomfortable. Lance chuckled and tried to make a joke out of it. "You're losing your touch, JC."

JC weakly grinned at him, it didn't work. Justin hopped on the couch in front of JC. "Why haven't you kissed her yet?" he asked, more serious now.

"None of your business, Justin," JC bit out a bit hostilely, not wanting to talk about this.

"JC..." Justin said.

JC shot him a telling look that immediately shut him up, him, along with the rest of them. With that, JC grabbed some sheets off the table and headed downstairs for the piano. That was his haven, where he could let his frustrations go. Why do I always end up mad, he asked himself, silently yelling at his mind as he walked down the hall to the elevator. Why do I have to get so worked up over this? He knew it wasn't just the kissing thing, it was Halle altogether. Somehow, she had managed to get him wrapped up around her. The only thing was that she didn't want him there. But tonight...

Tonight had been different. Halle had seemed to open up tonight. Outwardly he smiled as he thought of tonight, walking into the elevator and pressing the button that would take him to the lobby. He had made mistakes, but she had forgiven them. She had told him about her parents. He felt a touch of anger at them. How could they abandon her like that? How could he ever have? what was his name? Did it matter? Were they all blind? Couldn't they see just how special she was?

She had talked about them like they were gone, but were they really? The elevator doors slid open and a smiling couple walked in, pulling him out of his thoughts. He put on a smile and exited the elevator, heading for the piano. Right about now he needed to let out his pent up feelings. He thanked the Lord when he saw the piano was not occupied. Quickly he walked to it. He dropped down to the seat as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. If they weren't already, they were about to be, he promised himself. He struck the piano keys.

-*-*-*-

"When did my life become such a mess?" Halle asked herself in the dark of the night as she lay awake in bed last night. "It used to be so simple..."

No, she took that back. It had never been simple, she had just blocked it out of her mind when it didn't suit and went on with her life. Yet she didn't feel as if she could go on now. She couldn't just pass it by, it wasn't that easy, though she wished it was. Tonight had brought back so many memories, so many things she didn't want to remember, that had been put away a long time ago, but had been dug up now. Her heart ached. Yet she couldn't say no to JC, she couldn't say no to this Josh.

Tears washed over her, anew with grief. She thought she had gotten over all that, talked it all out and shed her tears. She thought she could cry no more, her tears had dried up, but she had been wrong because she was crying now. Only this time, she didn't cry for what was long past, she cried for what was now. It had been a long time since she had cried for anything, let alone anyone.

Yes, these tears were for JC and for herself, knowing that it was her fault that nothing had happened. No, that was wrong. Something has happened, but she knew it was not what either of them wanted. It was just so...unexpected. She never knew she had never let go, she thought she had. "If only..."

If only what? She was furious at the thought. No one could ask her to change the past that shaped her future, no one could expect her to. But JC wasn't asking her to, nor did he expect her to. He was being so selfless. I am so mad at him, she told her mind. But why was she mad, he hadn't done anything. It was her, all her and her past that denied her this future. He hadn't said he wanted her any differently than the way she was. She smiled at the irony of it all, wasn't that what everyone wanted? But it was her the wouldn't let go.

She rubbed the tears from her eyes. She believed tears showed weakness and she would not stand to be called weak. She was strong, she would fight. She would fight and win. But what was she fighting for?

She sighed. What a pep talk. She pulled the blankets closer to her. The lights were off, she was in bed and she was tired. Yet she couldn't sleep, or rather, she didn't want to sleep. She was afraid. She wasn't sure what of. Her gasp stuck half in her throat when she finally understood.

Tomorrow she would have to go back, distance herself again. She had promised herself that it would be just one night and she kept her promises. Tonight she had had her short-lived taste of freedom. That small taste would have to last her for a long time as she remembered how her heart had fluttered and pounded tonight. JC unconsciously did that to her. She would have to return to her cage tomorrow, the one that protected her, shielded her, yet cut her off from so many things. JC was outside, if she had to push him out, he would be outside.

No, she wasn't afraid that if she closed her eyes she would forget. She would never forget. She was afraid to close her eyes and remember, because to remember would mean returning to her cage tomorrow would be that much harder. Why couldn't she just let go? The pain...

She closed her eyes and surrendered to the arms of fitful sleep. Her thoughts were tinged with JC. Until the morn...

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