The sky was clear and blue; the sun, high in its April month. A veil covered the tiny ants that scuttled beneath its light rays and clouds. Closer and closer, it peered out at the people walking aimlessly about. All this rush, it was nothing new. It saw rush everyday. There was nothing to do it New York, but rush it seemed. But one thing caught its eye, a solitary form in the crowd, solitary because it did not move with the crowd, but rather stood still.

And closer it moved to see the figure, that of a girl, perhaps a woman, slight, lost when everything, everybody seemed they had somewhere else to be, somewhere else to go, something else to do, and they were five minutes too late. Yet she stood there, five minutes meaning nothing within a game not even time could threaten. She stood and stared, and stared, and stared...

Halle's eyes darted out to the crowd, finally seeing it. The world seemed to have gotten lighter, perhaps a cloud had moved from over the sun. But the world was not her, it was separate and detached. She wondered why it didn't happen yesterday. It should've happened yesterday... Yesterday was the anniversary. But she couldn't control fate. It must have been fate...

Yesterday had been Josh's birthday, his fourth, April 10th, a day she would never forget. She had been happy yesterday, yet sad today. Those were the laws of nature... what goes up must come down. Even she couldn't escape nature. She wondered where her spirit had gone. Flown away it had. Far, far away and left her with only darkness, the darkness that crashed before her eyes like violent waves to a shore. But these waves were in the form of memories, the good , the bad, and the bittersweet. Her life seemed to flash before her, scene by scene.

She forgot the unresolved. Maybe it had meant to happen today and not yesterday, because yesterday was a new beginning of the past and today was the day after. After Josh- she hadn't wanted to remember that, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. It was like daily review, but this was her life... and her mistakes. She wondered what was wrong with her. And then she wondered if anything was right. In two seconds, it seemed she had regretted everything. Her chest heaved, her eyes wanted to cry, but she tried to stand still, so it would not touch her more than it had. It was too late.

Lately, it had always been too late, too much, too dire to handle. Always too much of too, never enough or just right. And then Halle wondered where she had gone wrong. She had never meant for things to be like this... the mess they were. She hadn't been trying to screw up her life, just put things back together. She had tried to stay the same, but she failed to realize the world wouldn't wait for her to come when she felt like it. She was happy as she had been, no doubt about it, but had been was just that: had been.

And now the world had passed her by. Before it had moved, they had moved, one form, like bees to honey, or hornets. A swarm, a crowd...people, just as malicious, just as innocent. How long had she been one of those? For a short time, she had been one of them, living their stability, busy, busy, busy with one thing flowing in one ear and out the other side just as smooth and quickly as it had come. She had never considered herself that kind of person, careless, but now she did. She had been careless with her life... and with his... JC's.

No, she hadn't forgotten him, though Lord knew she tried. She had given up trying though, and had let her mind wander, consuming itself. She had not fought it, as he had once told her. There were just so many things that she wanted to say to him, so much left undone. It wasn't right. She didn't even know herself anymore and didn't think she cared to. Not after what she had done. She knew what she was, what he should have said instead of 'fool'... cruel, callous, bitch. She knew what shame was, she knew it very well. It lived in her heart, and her mind, and her soul.

Sorry was no longer an operative word. She owed him a million 'I'm sorry's and beyond. She wistfully wondered what exactly she had done to him. She hardly spoke to anybody nowadays. Kel was worried, Mike was worried. Even Josh, who was the last person she wanted to be worried about her, was worried. She might mumble a few abstract words, but she was too caught up in guilt to say anything much. At nights, she lay awake. She tried everything: staring at the ceiling, counting sheep, even pills, but they knocked her out and she dreamed dreams tinged with JC.

In every dream, he was pointing his finger at her. She wanted to move, but found she couldn't. She wanted to speak, but found her voice gone. Only he moved, and slowly, he turned his back to her. She wanted to cry at that moment. One last look was all he gave her. He stopped, turned and watched her dream face, crumpled and twisted from all the pain within.

It was then she awoke, gasping, tears running down the sides of her face.. The tears she had shed for him... there were too many to count, innumerable. As they spilled down her face, she remembered how much her heart ached. And she had no one to blame but herself. She deserved everything she got.

-*-*-*-

From across the street, he stopped and stared, his hands motionless by his side. But his mind was racing at full speed. Did his eyes deceive him? No. And there she was. She stood, her side to him, her face down. He could see her profile, trace the outline with the air. She raised her head and he held his breath, but she didn't turn to him. He saw her swallow. Her eyes weren't focused, she just stood there. He knew she was thinking about something, but what was the question.

JC sighed. He had just come out of her apartment building, from sneaking around to having his system shocked at the mere sight of her. She was standing right across the street from her apartment, yet she made no motion to move. She looked so... lost, standing there alone. She had done a number on his system, in more than one way. A month and a half ago... it seemed so long ago to him, yet he remembered every detail.

Long ago, it seemed, he had accepted his fate. At the moment she had left Orlando, he knew what love was, in his broken heart, and now he was paying dearly. For love was sacrifice, Halle had surely taught him that if nothing more. He knew that just as surely as he knew that he loved Halle, for he had fallen too long and hard to let go now.

In a way, it was his fault, because he couldn't let go, no matter how much it hurt him. He was weak, he supposed. Halle would always... always be held in high esteem. Maybe he had been trying to force something that wasn't there. He could have sworn that there was attraction there, but maybe he had been mistaken. Maybe Halle had been unwilling the whole time, and it was him that pushed the relationship. It was easier to tell it like this, because he could never hate her. Though his soul ached in every corner and his heart was torn in every corner imaginable, he couldn't hate her.

What had she done? Had she played with his emotions? She had never made advances towards him, well, except for that kiss, but maybe she had been just caught up in the moment. Otherwise, it had always been him, asking her out, kissing her, getting mad and jealous. She had put up with him with the utmost courtesy. No wonder he had believed her to feel the same thing that he felt. She was just being polite.

Over time, he had molded his mind to think that way. It was easier than blaming Halle because... this feeling had blossomed within him and had never died. It was still strong and it was still there. It hurt him more than ever now, but there was nothing he could do about it. There was no way humanly possible to remove it. It was his love for Halle. He truly loved her, he truly cared. After all he had been through, he still loved her. Maybe they both had been fools. He'd been foolish to fall in love with her in the first place. It wasn't so easy now to fall out. To love someone he couldn't have... he was her biggest fan.

He now realized what the devoted fan was. There were many types of fans, although the kind that bothered him most were the stalkers, the obsessed ones. And there were those that had a new favorite every week, perhaps every other day. And those that saw 'N Sync as sexual objects, making ill-at-ease remarks that would make have made the fans themselves blush if they were sane. Then there were the normal fans, as normal as normal could be. Sure they probably found at least one of the 'N Sync boys cute, and he'd bet money that at least half of them thought it was Justin, but they were normal and they usually grew out of the phase in a year or two. He had never noticed it before, but the fans represented different types of people. And alas, there was a type for him too.

He didn't know if it was obsession, or infatuation, but these fans, the type he was, felt something. Their intentions began pure, a simple crush. And from there it grew, as crushes would, day by day towards love. They would try not to get hooked, but inevitably they would be. For a long time, they would deny how deep their feelings were, how far they had fallen and then one day- they would break.

They did not go insane, but rather depressed. It was if they had been pushed off some ledge. They finally realized not that they could not have who they wished, for they had realized that long ago, but rather that they had gone too far to pull back. But they were compassionate beings, they did not blame their object of affection- they blamed themselves instead for being so stupid as to think crushes were harmless, so stupid as to believe love was harmless.

And yet they still cared. They would not call their object of affection names, unless in anger, but they would be sorry. And finally, they would be resigned. Through all their pain they saw that the only thing they had left to give was their best wishes and love, even if it was not returned. And the only thing they had left to wish their object of affection was happiness. No matter how much it hurt them, they wished them to be happy, if not with them, then with whomever, or whatever, their objects of affection chose. It was as if that in this way, they could somehow make amends for a wrong that never was. As if they could give their love in a more pure form. And JC was willing to do just that.

Love had scorned him; love was bittersweet. He wished Halle happiness. In every way, he wished Halle happiness. From the very core of him he wished Halle happiness. At all costs, he would see she had what little happiness he could give to her. And he died a little more each day, from letting her have her happiness. For freedom was her happiness, the independence she had held onto for so long had finally won. But he wanted her to be happy, even if that meant it had to be without him. Her happiness meant that much to him. He would sacrifice his love for it.

He hung his head, as he prepared to walk away. It still wasn't so easy, but if she was happy, it was worth every painful step he would have to take. Two tears slipped unbidden down his cheeks and a cold breeze suddenly blew against him causing a sharp intake of breath. The world had nothing to offer him anymore. Life had become a routine, and him, a shell of his former self. He firmed his stance and looked forward, away from Halle. He could not risk looking back at Halle, the pull was too strong. It would take all of his will to walk away and he had precious little left after he'd been destroyed. Now he was left to pick up the pieces. He wondered if he would ever feel whole again. One foot in front of the other- it had been his motto since Halle left. He just had to start again. If he loved her, he'd let her go. That's what she wanted. Well, he could give her that.

-*-*-*-

She didn't know what turned her head. Surely, it was nothing out of the ordinary. Or maybe it was. A figure, standing there alone in the crowd. No one stood still in New York. Halle glanced more pointedly at the figure now. It had turned from her, but had not moved yet. It couldn't be... her mouth went dry as she imagined JC's figure... but was it really her imagination? Her heart strained as did her eyes. Tears were stuck in her throat, but her eyes fought not to cloud. She understood why. It was JC she wanted to see.

Her eyes glanced nervously at the street between them. Maybe she'd jaywalk this once instead of waiting. Her need for it to be him was strong and her instinct was to run to him. She didn't know what she'd do once she caught him. She walked towards the curb, preparing even to cross. Her heart was taking over. She swallowed her pride and put one foot out onto the street.

But before she could go any further, a horn honked and she jumped back onto the curb, more startled than frightened. A long line of cars passed in front of her as she fought to see the figure across the street. But just as she caught sight of him, a tall truck passed in front of her, obscuring her view of the other side. Quickly, she moved to run further into the street to see if she could see past the truck, but she was already at the curb. There was nowhere to go.

Her eyes glanced at the other side as the truck finally moved from her sight. She searched the corner she had seen the figure at, looking for a sign, just one. But there was none. Her heart stopped beating for a moment or two as her eyes widened. The figure was gone, just disappeared. She squeezed tears back, closing her eyes to hold them at bay, and perhaps momentarily lose his image, the one that never seemed to go away. She was sure he had been a figment of her imagination... this torture, all in her mind. She could feel her tears violate their barrier and well at the corners in her eyes without permission. He haunted not only her dreams now, but her waking hours as well. She didn't doubt it though as the guilt coursed through her veins yet again and froze her body. Oh yes, she deserved everything she got.

-*-*-*-

The light was red, a tiny white stick of a man flashed onto the pegs, replacing a glowing red hand on the crosswalk signal. 'Cross now' she had to mentally tell herself, forcing her legs to move forward. Her mind was slow today and stonily her legs responded to her request. Her feet dauntingly touched the pavement of the road and for a moment she seemed to melt into the crowd again, losing focus and going on.

But she could not fool herself. She could hardly fool anyone, much less herself, though she was the one most willing to pretend. She wanted to run away, as she always had, the coward inside her beginning to arise. Her strength she realized, had become her weakness.

Her hand pressed into the soft pockets of her light jacket and she stepped up to the cold rush of air emitted by the door of the her apartment building as it opened. Halle stepped to the side as she noticed a mother and child push the door open. She waited for the mother and child to fully exit the building before she entered.

As the mother fiddled with her child, Halle took the opportunity to gaze skyward. She looked at her building feeling even a sense of pride. New York was notorious for its skyscrapers and her building was tall even if it wasn't a skyscraper. Unbidden, her eyes crept towards a tall window with its balcony on the eleventh floor. It was hers, her apartment, she knew, and she didn't have trouble imagining inside... just close her eyes.

A shoulder brushed her and she felt something swing, propelling air to her. Thoughts interrupted, she opened her eyes. The mother and child were gone and she was alone, standing stationary in front of the door She shook her head, the past coming over her and dominating her thoughts. She couldn't count the number of days like this. She had lost count after sixteen. This torture she had endured since she left. She didn't like herself much.

She sighed and pulled open the door, thinking how silly she must look, standing alone outside, and stepped inside to the air-conditioned building. She stepped to the right. Rows of shiny brass boxes lined the walls: 311, 902, 1103. her eyes shifted a bit down: 1106. It was her own mailbox, a small golden cube that look exactly like the other spread along the wall, save the "1106" engraved on the surface of its small hinged door. She walked over to it; she usually didn't check her mail until later, but she figured now was a good a time as any. This day probably wasn't going to get any better. She wondered if it could get any worse. Better to glance at the bills now and then see Josh. He always brightened her spirits, no matter what her day.

She pulled her key out of her pocket, but her eye caught a glint as she moved to open the box. Slid neatly into the side was an envelope, carefully placed so that not just anybody could pull it out. The person obviously did not have a key to open the mailbox, so the postman couldn't have been the culprit. Only the person whose box it was stuck it could pull it out without the aid of tweezers if they opened the door to their box.

She frowned and slid the key into the lock, clicking it and swinging the door open. As she opened the door, the letter sagged against the other contents of the mailbox. Quickly, she grabbed the other mail and shoved it into her purse after briefly glancing over the bill statements, but not opening the letters themselves. But something about that one letter intrigued her.

She reached her hand inside to pick up the solitary letter. Sales marketer, maybe? She pulled the letter out, her hand feeling its smooth grained texture. She raised her eyebrows at the letter, trying to decipher its origins, maybe even its contents. It most certainly wasn't a flyer.

Centered on the front of the envelope was her name, written in fancy type. Ms. Halle Lin, it said. The envelope had other small markings on it, such as her address, written in the same fancy type, only smaller. Her eyes gazed over the small printed words at the top right of the envelope. Wright Stuff Management, Inc. Where had she seen that before? The name looked strangely familiar to her. Wright...

Her fingers turned the envelope over and slid open the closed flap. The letter didn't feel that heavy to her hands, but heavier than a normal letter would. She raised the envelope closer to her face and took out a letter she saw folded inside, an introduction she would have guessed. Her face twisted as she flipped open the letter, leaving the other contents intact.

Dear Ms. Lin,

You have been invited by 'N Sync...

She certainly didn't need to read any further. Just at the name 'N Sync her heart pounded. 'N Sync equated five guys. Of those five, there was the one she loved... and left behind. Her heart crumpled at the memory. She knew she must stay strong, but it had not been easy at all, not for this past month and a half. But just the thought had made her hand go limp. She struggled to hold onto the envelope, but the contents slid into her palm. Out dropped three tickets. She raised her hand to see them. A singular name flashed out at her: 'N Sync. As if they burned her hand, her fingers would no longer hold onto them. They slid to the ground in a split second, a shuffling of papers.

Halle couldn't move, she could only stare. She stared at the mess on the floor. The letter hadn't been needed, she could put it all together in her head. One letter, three concert tickets and three boarding pass lay in a heap: a concert, air fare paid. And all she could do was stare at them. They could no longer simply be pieces of paper. They were something far more important: they represented hope, and with it pain.

All at once, Halle was sure she knew what her purpose in life was. She was born to disappoint. And live up to it she would. Stealing quick glances to the sides of her, Halle swooped down and swept the papers up, as if they were some incriminating articles and she was the crook. The crook and the victim all in one, she was and tightly, she pressed them into her coat to hide them from view. So confusing where the times, yet there was one thing she was sure of. She never wanted to lay eyes on the envelope again.

And then she spied it in the corner, tall, black, and rubber, temptation so high. To just toss it in, what would that mean? It took her a minute to look away from the trash can. She couldn't do it. She clutched them to her chest tightly, closing her eyes, turning her face upwards. It was a prayer for the dying and hope that she was wrong. She wondered about Hell on Earth.

-*-*-*-

- Three weeks later -

Even if it killed her, she would concentrate, and concentrate with a vengeance she vowed. All she had to look forward to was another sleepless night. She didn't like it as she lay awake, but she didn't like it when she fell asleep either. The long bitter aftertaste had left imprints upon her soul. It was her fault, she knew, all her damned fault. If she could just...

Two fingers snapped in front of her and her head jerked back from its still stance as her eyes focused swiftly, losing their glazed look. Her eyes darted around the untouched office before dropping her head to her arms as if in pain. Another torturous day at the office. Never before had she wished her life to be mundane. Instead it was just plain bad.

"Halle, snap out of it," a rough voice commanded.

She looked up, though she didn't need to. She already knew who was there, leaning over her desk.

"Good morning to you too, Mike," she said wryly as her hand automatically went to the coffee cup sitting at the corner of her desk.

Quickly he made a move to stop her, gently, but firmly holding her wrist away from the coffee and to him. "Not so fast," he told her as he continued to block her hand.

She glared up at him. She wanted her coffee; she needed coffee.

"Stop it, Halle," he scolded. "You're not acting much better than my daughter. This is not you. The coffee isn't doing you any good, just making you more edgy. Look, your eyes are bloodshot and there's bags under them. Why are you so on edge?"

"Who says I'm on edge?" she asked indignantly.

"Halle, please. Give me some credit and stop denying it because it's plain as day. You didn't think I'd notice? Especially when one of my good friends and best co-worker starts looking like a cross between Ebenezor Scrooge and Little Orphan Annie?"

"I'm fine, Mike. Thank you for your concern though," she dismissed and moved her hand again to reach for her coffee.

But he didn't loosen his grip. "You're drinking way too much coffee these days, Hal."

"Yeah, well, I need to stay awake, Mike, or I'll lose my job." She began to reach for her coffee once more, but Mike still didn't let go.

These days, it was easy to agitate Halle. She was irritable to say the least. And with Mike having known her for the time that he had, he knew all the right buttons to push. He was pushing them. "Just what do you think you are doing?" she asked giving him looks that could kill if real. Her voice was bordering on annoyance.

"Oh bravo, Halle," he said sarcastically. "Should we give her the Oscar now, ladies and gentlemen? Your performance was superb!"

She caught him in a menacing stare. "Oh, I'd much rather a Golden Globe. Oh- and a standing ovation." Her return was as sarcastic as his.

"Oh, I'm standing, Halle," he said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. "How about that acceptance speech?" His voice was silky sweet as he looked pointedly at her, daring her to answer.

"And who should I thank?" she asked lightly, standing up in her chair and pressing towards him. "The assho..."

He tightened his grip on her wrist. Though it didn't hurt, she still winced. "Don't say anything you'll regret, Halle," he warned, but his voice was somewhat softer.

"And why not?" she cried, losing it. "I regret just about everything else. What's one more thing to add to the list?"

"It's one more step down to the bottom," he answered for her. "Don't drive me away Halle," he asked.

She burst now. "And why the hell not? I drive away every other damn good thing in my life. I..." She slumped forward, but Mike caught her arms before she could hit the desk. He held her as tears coursed down her cheeks.

"Cry, Halle. You've been needing to for a long time now," he said as he stroked her hair.

She stiffened a little as she heard the words and moved a little from his arms. He glanced at her tear-streaked face before she closed her eyes and wiped away her tears. "I cry too damned much," she confessed.

He lifted an eyebrow. "When? Not here."

She shook her head. "No, not here," she agreed. "When I'm alone."

"Who do you need to be strong for? Not me."

She laid her head on her eyes and squeezed her eyes tightly shut as if to block out everything, all the pain.

"Halle?" Mike asked tenderly when she didn't respond.

She knew she owed him an answer. He cared. "Me," she whispered on bated breath.

"Why?" he asked gently.

"I made some mistakes... and I'm paying for them. It's as simple as that."

"But the mistakes aren't simple."

She shrugged. "Mistakes are mistakes."

"Not ones like this."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Halle, I don't know you anymore. You aren't the bright, beautiful Halle I used to know, ready to take on anything. Your eyes are sunken in; you've lost weight. There are bags under your eyes and you've aged five years in a month. You slump too."

"Geez, Mike. Why don't you just say I look like yesterday's trash and sum it all up in one word?" Mike could sense the sarcasm once again returning to her voice, but it wasn't the same biting sarcasm that he had heard before. Instead, it was weak sarcasm now, as though she were giving up. He hoped she'd be waving the white flag soon.

Mike smiled lightly. "You didn't let me finish. But seriously, I don't like to see you suffer like this. It's been well over a month. Nothing is worth beating yourself up over it like that."

"Oh, no, Mike. There you're wrong."

"Well, then prove it to me."

She shook her head. "I shouldn't have to."

He was staring intently at her, but she raised her head. Not to him, it wasn't his face her eyes wandered to. Instead, it was his hand, his left hand to be specific. For a moment, he was confused as he watched her. She was staring intently at something, but he couldn't quite figure out because he was sure his fingers weren't all that interesting. He sucked in his breath as he saw the ring on his ring finger that she was gazing at. "Oh my God, Halle," he said in realization. "How could I have not seen it? I must have been blind; it was right there in front of my eyes."

"What?" she asked confused.

"Who is it?" he asked quickly. But he didn't need an answer. "JC," he answered his own question.

Her eyes flashed up to him as soon as she heard the name. She hadn't told him anything about her time in Orlando. He just knew that she had gone down there and stayed a few extra days. Did that merit suspicion?

He took into account her quick response. "Of course. I should have seen it. It was staring me straight in the face."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, getting suspicious and impatient.

He looked up at her. "You're in love." There was no more to it. It was that simple.

"I am not in love!" she protested distastefully.

He found her eyes and leveled with them. "Halle, look me straight in the eyes and tell me you're not in love with this guy." His expression was stern and firm. She could not help but look.

However her mouth opened. It was like her jaw had slack herself. And she closed it again. Open, close, open, close- it was like a pattern for her, but one she couldn't break. Nothing came out of her mouth, nothing to her defense.

He smiled at that. He could see her defenses crumbling, as she had been for the past few weeks. "I see."

She was outraged. How dare he presume to know anything about the state she was in? "I'm not in love. I'm not in love with J..." Her words trailed off before she could finish his name. Somehow she couldn't bear to betray him that.

"You can't say it, Halle."

She started. "I'm not in love with..." Once again her voice trailed off and Mike looked positively gleeful, smug that he was right. She wouldn't let him have that. "I'm not," she insisted, trying a new tactic. "Maybe I was once, but not anymore. I can't be anymore."

"Why not?" he inquired, interested to hear her answer.

"Because... that part of my life is over. I ended it. I have to stick with my decision. I can't love him like he expects me to."

"Who says he expects anything of you?"

Halle fell silent for a moment, before regaining her composure. She shook her head wildly. "I'm not in love anymore. The door is closed- done."

He sighed and got up, walking to her door. He'd had enough arguing for one day. He turned to look at her as he turned the knob to the office door. She had not won. "Then I feel sorry for you," he answered.

She thought she knew what he was talking about and waved away his words. "I'll be alright soon."

He shook his head. "No, I didn't mean it that way. Your pain is your own fault. No one's making you go through it but you."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Then what are you sorry for?"

"That you're so selfish and weak. You won't admit the truth."

"I'm not in love," she said. "Once, but not anymore." But her protest was weak.

He shook his head. "My friend," he started. "Open the door, because you still are. You're making the biggest mistake of your life."

And he was gone then. She knew he was disappointed in her and that disappointed her more than she'd ever been. Here was her mentor, the one who had everything in control, the one she strived to be like, to have as much as he did. And she had disappointed him. You're making the biggest mistake of your life. His words rang true. "I know," she whispered, forlorn. But even her heart did not believe it because she would not allow it. But somewhere...

-*-*-*-

Halle walked slowly down the street, wallowing in self-pity. She was never one to concentrate on herself, but she had never "been in love," as Mike had said. Was he right? Of course she wouldn't know; she had never felt it before.

What she was feeling, though, was the most terrible combination of pain and suffering. She knew that this was not what love was. Maybe an effect of someone who denied something good to happen to them, but no, it wasn't love.

Halle was sorry. She was sorry for pushing JC away, sorry for allowing him to care about her, sorry she had met him. While at times it had been all fun and games, she was not comfortable with all the emotions that JC stirred in her. They were wonderful while it lasted, and the only thing that Halle wanted now was to have JC take her in

his arms, to console her, and tell her everything would be all right.

A tear streamed down her face, and quickly she wiped it away. No traces could be left of the past. She was trying desperately to forget JC. No, scratch that. She could never forget, only try to failingly move on. But how could she move on when Josh, the one whom she adored more than life itself, symbolized what JC stood for?

Get yourself together, girl, Halle scolded herself, crossing the busy New York street on her way to her apartment from the office. She had to be strong, for Josh, for herself. She stopped at the corner, disillusioned, lost in her thoughts and waiting for the light to turn green. She sighed a sigh that seemed to go to the depths of her soul.

Yes, she was sorry. Why had she left again, without saying good-bye? Her stubbornness bothered her, but there was nothing she could do now. She should have known that it would come back to haunt her, as it did now. She couldn't shake from her head the last image she had of him, the image of JC staring at her with shock written

on his face as she slowly closed the door on him.

A knife twisted in her heart. As much as she had to get away from him, it also hurt her tremendously. What it did to Josh? She couldn't even fathom. Halle knew JC stopped by, maybe sometime before Josh's birthday. There were some presents there that were unexplainable, and when Halle questioned their origin, all Kel did was shrug.

Lost. Halle was lost, and the worst part was that she had no way of finding herself. She tried throwing herself into her work, but even there JC still plagued her. In her dreams at night, in her thoughts during the day. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get JC out of her head. Like a dream, there he was. His face always there, yet she

could never touch him. But only in her dreams was there hope, for then she couldn't control her mind.

Dreams. What a waste they had been in her life. She told JC she wanted to be happy, to be in love. And just when he was readily giving it to her, she left, pushing him aside. Forever she had dreamed of being in love, of being as happy as she had been with...

Halle sighed and looked down at the concrete under her feet as she waited. There was no point in arguing that she had been happy spending time with JC. It would be another waste. But, nevertheless, nothing could be changed. Her present circumstances allowed no room for Halle to hope, to wish. Would he take her back? Odds were, as she saw it, slim to none.

Her head literally swung to the car that had pulled up at the light, waiting for it just as Halle was. A girl, a teen, sat in front, driving. She was tapping the wheel as the song played. The window was open and Halle could hear every last chord. Halle prayed for the light to hurry and change to green. The song was killing her, and the teenager showed no signs of turning her boombox down. JC's part was coming up soon, and she had no desire to hear his tortured voice, the same one she had heard so many times when he pleaded with her to open up her heart. The pre-recorded sound of his voice tore at her as if it were really him, speaking to her face-to-face.

And she couldn't help but stare at the poster on the side of the bus as it rolled away, showing 'N Sync posing with various assortments of Starbucks Coffee. It only seemed like yesterday when Halle proposed the idea, one of her better ones at the time. Now... now she wished that the day had never occurred, that she and Josh would live life as it were before 'N Sync.

Her mind then flashed to the day the pictures had been taken, the photoshoot where she had first met JC. He was charming then, and he was charming now. In her eyes, he could do no wrong. The blame was all on her.

And yet she knew that if she asked him for forgiveness, begged him essentially, he would absolve her guilt. He was kind like that. But Halle had hurt him too much for him to consider her anything more than... a friend, if even that. It was more than she deserved. He blamed her only for being stubborn and not allowing anyone to love her and care for her. But now she understood why. She was sorry, sorrier than she had ever been in her whole life.

Even when she had Josh, it was not something she was sorry for. Looking back, she realized that Josh had been a blessing in disguise and couldn't imagine her life without him. Baby had forced Mommy to grow up and become the independent woman. Too independent as JC saw it.

JC. Halle knew that ten years from now, even half a century from now, she would look back on this time of her life with sadness, for nothing good would ever come out of it. JC was gone, out of her life, and there was nothing left but a void, a whirlwind of emotional distress that Halle couldn't control. He was gone.

-*-*-*-

Halle stuck the key in the door to her apartment and slowly turned the lock. She was happy to be home, but she took her time, still shrouded in her cloak of feelings. Walking to and from work were her only moment of quiet. Once home, Josh would occupy her thoughts, and at work, the day's business was her priority.

Halle was lucky. Not only was she able to get an apartment that over-looked Central Park, but her salary enabled her to keep such a luxurious view. Before Josh was born, she spent some nights strolling through. It had always been one of her favorite places, allowing her a different place to think and watch the scenery change. Once Josh

was born, she often took him there, just so that she could share it with him. She loved watching the season change. Literature was wrong, she quickly decided. Spring was not a time for love; it was a time for distress. How many people actually found love in the spring? Certainly not she.

Halle pushed the door open and almost wished she hadn't. There Kel stood, glaring at Halle with the most poisonous look she could muster. Clearly Kel was pissed, and Halle wondered what she did wrong to warrant such a welcome. Certainly she wasn't late. Her eyes dropped to Kel's hand and she immediately recognized the problem. Kel

raised her hand, clearly displaying the envelope.

"What the hell is this?"

-*-*-*-