The trunk slammed and the yellow taxi cab pulled away. Her hands were weighted with bags as she watched it drive away, the rain splattering on the windows and the exterior. She watched it until the taxi cab became just a blur, hidden under a sheet of rain and a blanket of stars. It was late, the sky was dark, but this city wasn't. The lights and action were in full blast, as if they city were just waking up. She gripped the bags tighter, more firmly and reinforced her spirit to stand a little taller.

Not that she had anything to stand for. She didn't know what she was doing anymore, or how she had gotten here. It was a blur to her, the constant fights and arguments that ended on a sad note each time and then she'd regret them to begin with. She just couldn't win. What was she fighting for? It was nothing now. She could never win, for she had made herself the loser long before. Now all her arguments seemed petty and misguided, stupid and weak. They were, and she knew it. She regretted the past. Now she swallowed all her pride, and listened. She should have done it long ago.

"What are you staring at?" There came a voice from behind her. She heard footsteps and felt a hand laid on her shoulder. She sighed inwardly, knowing it was Kel.

"Nothing Kel."

Kel in turn sighed at Halle's lie. "You were staring at the taxi cab." Halle didn't answer and Kel didn't have to verify her statement. "You don't regret coming do you?"

Halle looked down and shook her head. "No, I don't regret coming. I regret everything before."

She could sense Kel agreeing with her. "I know you do, I know. But what happened, happened. It's all in the past now."

"But I can't take it back," said Halle, sorrowfully.

Kel exhaled a deep breath. "No, you can't Halle, but why would you want to?"

Halle looked at Kel in disbelief. "How can you ask me why?"

"Why?" On simple word was all Kel said.

"Why, why? Why? Because of all the pain I've caused, because of all the heartache, because of all the injustice. I haven't been fair."

"Is life fair?"

"No..." answered Halle.

"Then why does this have to be?"

"Because I was wrong... I made mistakes."

"And who says you aren't allowed to make mistakes?" Halle didn't have an answer for Kel. Who did say I wasn't allowed to make mistakes? Me. The answer jumped right out at her. But Kel went on. "The important thing is that you know that you were wrong and you have learned from it. It isn't always easy, Halle, but not everything is, even for the most talented or kind or compassionate person out there."

Kel paused, so Halle could let what she had said sink in, but she resumed after a minute or two. "And why would you want to take it back? You wouldn't be here if you did. Your reality would be different, and you can't tell whether it'd be better or worse. Nothing is certain, except for now."

Halle nodded. She knew Kel was right. "It took me a long time to get here."

Kel nodded. "It did, Halle, but the important thing is that you are here now. It's always better late than never. What would you have been missing?"

"Joshua Chasez." She knew the answer.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"What can I do?" asked Halle, crossing her arms over her chest in a protective hug.

"You can do whatever you want to. That's up to you."

This wasn't going to be easy. She hadn't had an epiphany, she didn't just see the light one day. It had taken time, and lots of it. But she wondered what the real reason for her change had been. What had made her change her mind? Countless dreams, arguments and talks peppered the last few months. The walk in the park... that she'd never forget. Just that was enough to have kept her mind unchanged. But the aftermath of that fateful night haunted her. The pain she had felt seemed too much to bear.

She had tried to be determined, really, she had, yet she felt otherwise. Her resolve was crumbling. It hurt her more than she could ever have predicted to know that he did not want her. Her heart had been irreparable since that day. Now she understood. There was only one way for her heart to ever be healed. Halle didn't like the cure one bit, in fact, she had fought it as long as she could. But she was already weak and her fight had been brief. She could not stand any more. It was now she recognized the enemy: her pride, and it had taken her almost a year. She closed her eyes to the world. Sorry could not heal. It was all up to her now.

A hand touched hers and her face swung to the side. Up at her stared the small face of her son, his eyes worried. "Mommy? Are you alright?"

Her eyes were pools of tears. She gently leaned down and embraced his little body in a tight hug. "Oh, baby..." she whispered as his small arms encircled her too.

"Don't cry, Mommy. I don't want you to cry. It'll be all right, I promise."

She cried even harder at his words. If he only knew...

His arms tightened around her as he felt her tears continue. "We're going to see Blue in concert and hear him sing, Mommy. Doesn't that make you feel better?" he asked, innocent still.

She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand and nodded jerkily, pulling her head from his shoulder. "Don't worry, Josh, Mommy's alright. I'm very happy we're going to see Blue, and if I don't feel better now, I will, okay?"

"When? You're so sad all the time." he asked in his own small voice, staring at her tear streaked face with such pain in his eyes that she would do anything to erase it.

She honestly had no answer for him. She didn't know when 'when' was. She knew she had to do something about this pain she was feeling, but she didn't now what... yet. Whether it would be seeing him one last time, or saying hello... whatever it had to be, she would do it, anything she needed to do to lift this weight from off her chest. She could never hope to erase the fact that it was her fault, but maybe she could soothe the pain. This was the first step towards the rest of her life. Maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to live with herself.

She stood up and took Josh's hand in hers without answering him. She turned and grabbed her luggage, light, containing both her and Josh's clothes, for they wouldn't be staying long. Kel walked up along side of Halle with her own luggage and looked out into the city now, acknowledging where she was, where the tickets had taken her. "Welcome to Washington D.C."

-*-*-*-

It was worse than any caffeine withdrawal she could have experienced. To say that Halle was a bundle of nerves was an understatement. She was terrified to say the least. Many could and would say her fears were unfounded, such as Kel for instance, but none could say they had not ever felt a fear akin to Halle's. Halle faced the unknown. And she was scared to death.

It had hit her just moments ago, or moments it seemed, as they checked into the hotel and she held Josh's little hand in her own. She was here, she had come, even when she said she would not. She had come to begin a new chapter in her life, whether JC would be a part of it directly or not. Whether or not he chose to accept her back, she would learn from this. She already had, and she'd be damned if she let anything so precious go again.

But things weren't looking up. The world seemed to be colored a permanent gray to her, despite the blue sky just yesterday. Josh's smile did little to comfort her, though he tried his best. He didn't understand what was bothering his mother, but he knew something was wrong. Josh had been extremely inquisitive the past few days and extremely worried. Those past few days were their own form of torture, for though she was hurting, she still cowered. But Halle did her best not to let Josh see that, though not much got past him.

It was over a few days... Kel had left Halle's ticket on the nightable near her bed. She had made sure it was the first thing Halle saw in the morning and the last thing Halle glimpsed at night before she turned out the late. Her tactics had worked. Halle had been unwilling to even touch the tickets at first. Somehow they represented a kind of temptation to her. She had searched her mind for what temptation they represented. She could not even understand her own hesitation.

And that temptation was JC. Temptation... was that not a sin? it had been a long time since she'd been to church, but she remembered that much. "And lead us not into temptation..." she recounted softly as she remembered the Lord's prayer. She had grown more familiar with it in recent days. Josh seemed to gain knowledge of the Scripture and Christianity overnight. He insisted they say prayer before eating and took on the habit of saying prayers every night before Halle tucked him in.

His little voice rang through her ears. "Dear Justs, please bless me, and Mommy, and Blue, and Aunt Kel..." He kept JC in his prayers. She wondered if JC knew. He'd like to. He also kept Halle herself in his prayers. Her four-year-old son was praying for her. She wondered what JC prayed for.

And one night she had clasped her hands together and kneeled beside her son, instead of standing over him, playing the spectator. She got down on her knees, like him, and placed her elbows on his low bed, just as he did. And she began... "Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..." Together they prayed, two voices strong. Did God hear it any louder?

She awoke the next morning more confused than she had been yesterday. She'd had a dream, always a dream. But this time it was different. Whereas all the ones she had had before had been all the same, this one differed. Instead of him turning his back on her, he stood a bit away from her, his arms crossed over his chest. he was standing off to the side, not even glancing at her, his profile clearly seen by her eyes. He looked ready to walk away as her own eyes pleaded with him to stay. She stood still and so did he, firm in their stance, their stubbornness.

He began to turn his face away and she began to panic. Her instinct took over, her heart in the pilot's seat. They'd experienced some turbulence, pockets of storms. Would it be a smooth landing or rough? She had to try. And so she unglued her legs and ran after JC. Lord knew what happened next. She awoke. It was two days before her decision must be made. It was the last time she dreamed.

For the next two days, she seemed to be lost. She was scatterbrained, absentminded, forgetting all but the most important things. She took some time off to herself, trapped in her mind. Over and over she analyzed the dream. What could it have meant? It had to have meaning, did it not? It was the last dream she had had. This was by now a strange occurrence. She had dreams every night before. Was she to stay or was she to go?

She sighed. She'd made her decision. Here she was, in Washington DC, like the tickets said. Josh was so excited, new sites to visit, JC to see. Halle wished she could have his innocence, his exuberance, and his yen for life. Her son was only four and already he inspired her. Unfortunately, now was not his to inspire.

She was on her own. The love she had once shunned she would not have to earn back. Mistakes, mistakes- she had made them at a time she was young, naive and inexperienced. She was tired of mistakes. Romantic love... she thought it was something reserved for fairy tales and myths. Something ordinary people, like herself, searched for all their lives but rarely ever found. She had never asked to be loved, only hoped not to give in vain.

Long ago, her heart had closed itself to pain, like heavy iron doors shutting themselves to close. Those already inside stayed and were cherished by her heart. Those outside stayed outside for she couldn't let anyone else in without harming the shield she had set up. It was an effort to protect herself- she trusted no one. Love was not for her, she decided. The shield had become her champion.

But it had becomes someone's enemy. The shield that she had built so long ago was now obsolete. For so long she had wielded it and now she was afraid to let go, unsure in a world she forgotten in her armor. But slowly, the pain slipped back into her heart. She was confused. How could such a thing happen when she had taken every precaution? She fought it the only way she knew how, by trying to raise the shield higher. But she found she could not. The shield... it had always been there. She recognized it now though. It was her pain. The time to let go had come.

-*-*-*-

He rubbed his palms together and stared into the clear night. It was May in Washington DC and the night was warm- an almost perfect temperature. It was nights like these he loved. There he was, standing right outside of the backdoor to the basketball auditorium. Tonight, it had been transformed into a glitzy stage, complete with spotlights, amplifiers and raised 3 feet above the ground. So it was small. For its width he certainly thought it glitzy, though not yet gaudy.

The only complaint he had was backstage. It was a little cramped he had to admit and, at times, his dressing room that he shared with the rest of 'N Sync felt like a bread box. They weren't the only band here tonight. JC wondered how they'd been invited to the show, No offense, but this really wasn't their scene. Intellectual 21-year-olds studied here, not fanatically frightening and hormonal 12-year-olds.

The door creaked open behind him and he whipped around at the sound. "Hey JC," greeted Justin's smiling face. "We're on in fifteen."

JC nodded. "Ok, thanks for the warning, Justin," he said quietly and turned back around, crossing his arms over his chest. All was silent and for a minute JC thought that Justin had silently crept back inside. But he knew he had been wrong when a hand alighted on his shoulder.

He turned his head quickly to see Justin standing there. He looked at him questioningly.

"Are you all right, JC?" Justin asked.

JC sighed. He should have known that was the question.. Wasn't it always? "I'm not gonna lie and say I am, but I'm only as good as I can be."

Justin just nodded his head, though the look of worry that had swept across his features had not seized. As JC should have expected Justin's question, Justin should have anticipated JC's answer.

JC put on a weak smile for his friend. "Let's talk about something other than me." Was his vision deluding him, or did he notice a certain sparkle in Justin's eyes? "You seem to be happy," he commented, observing his face.

Justin smiled. "Oh I am," he replied with a smile not only on his face, but in his voice as well.

"What about?"

"Oh, let's just say I found out the real reason we got invited here."

JC's eyebrows raised. "And why is that?"

Justin laughed. "Contrary to popular belief, the teenybopper phase doesn't always end in high school."

JC put his hands together in mock prayer. "Oh, Lord help us all."

"Hey, I'm not complaining. People my age are fawning over me!"

JC's voice was sarcastic. "Are you thinking with your head or some part of the lower anatomy?"

"Hey!" exclaimed Justin. "I resent that, though I am a 19-year-old male." But Justin couldn't hold a straight face. He laughed out loud. "I guess the 19-year-old part lost me any credibility I might have had against that statement, huh?"

JC smiled genuinely at him. "If only you were Joey," he said, sighing a little.

Justin busted out at that one. "I'm glad to see you haven't totally lost your sense of humor."

But JC didn't laugh back. He was calm. "It was never lost. It was always right here." He pointed to his person. "But I was lost."

Justin was quiet as he nodded. "You're still lost, aren't you?"

JC didn't even defend himself and grace that with a reply. Justin didn't need one for he already knew. JC now ignored the younger man and turned back around, staring straight up and looking hungrily to all corners of the heavens that he might feast his eyes upon.

Justin came right up beside JC and look up as well, perplexed. "What are you looking for?" he asked.

"A star," JC said simply.

Justin glanced up to check. "But there are none," he pointed out to JC.

JC nodded, his voice low. "I know."

That didn't resolve Justin's confusion a bit. "Look, man," he said to JC. "We should really get back inside. We gotta play hackey before our performance."

JC didn't answer him and Justin wondered if he'd heard.

"JC?" he asked again.

The older man's voice was hoarse. "Leave me. You go inside. I'll be there in a moment."

Justin didn't miss the hoarseness of his voice, the pleading... to be left alone. He sighed. "All right, JC. I'll tell them you're coming."

"Thank you," JC said quietly in reply, none of the hoarseness gone.

Justin paled, but there was nothing more he could do. JC asked to be left alone and Justin, as one of his best friends, would honor that. He turned around and walked back to the door, softly turning the lock and pulling the door open. He took one last look at JC, still staring straight into the starless night sky, before he finally closed the door.

JC closed his eyes for one brief moment. He was sorry he had had to do that to Justin, but the overwhelming urge... need to be alone was not proof against him asking. He hoped Justin understood.

He opened his eyes and looked heavenward once more. Justin was right and his eyes did not deceive him. There were no stars, not even one. Perhaps it was a sign. No stars, none for JC to wish upon. He knew the wish he would have made. But now it sat unheard... only in his heart. He turned around from the sky, preparing to walk back into the building and put on a happy face.

He closed his eyes, mentally prepping himself; he could do it. He opened his closed eyes and walked straight to the door, knowing as soon as he pulled it open, a false smile would have to appear upon his face. He needed a better reason for smiling.

Josh... the word jumped out at him as if it had a mind of his own. Immediately, JC brightened at just the thought. Yes, Josh, whom Halle said could come. JC hoped she hadn't changed her mind. He wanted to believe Halle wouldn't be as callous as that, to make promises she couldn't keep, or didn't intend to. He'd give Halle the benefit of the doubt. He always had.

He sighed and walked to the door, a small smile still on his face as he thought of Josh and seeing him after the show. The sky wished he'd turned back, if just for a moment, but JC didn't. He continued on until he had disappeared behind a closed door. The sky saddened. In the night sky twinkled one lone star. It had been hidden behind a cloud, just as JC's wish was hidden inside his heart. The sky hoped the heart was strong enough to grant it.

-*-*-*-

"Come on, Halle!"

"Does he have his jacket? Did I forget to pack his jacket Kel?" Halle asked frantically as she rummaged through the overnight bag she had started packing more than a half an hour ago.

"No, you didn't forge..." She was cut off.

"What about socks? I need to pack two pairs of socks and that ski cap he loves to wear."

"Yes, Hall..."

"And what about an extra shirt. You know how messy little boys get."

"Halle!" Kel yelled looking impatiently at her watch as Halle uprooted the bag searching for everything at once when efficiency called for patience.

"I should pack extra pants too..."

Kel almost snorted, but grunted in frustration. The little boy was at present in the bathroom and as soon as he had disappeared, Halle had begun to act like a madwoman, or a nervous wreck, maybe a little bit of both. Presently she was tearing out her hair making sure Josh had everything. This wasn't even overprotectiveness. Kel knew Halle didn't act like that normally. She was clam, cool, and collected. Of course, Halle hadn't been herself for sometime. Kel frowned at the face of her watch as she once more looked down.

"Maybe I forgot..."

Kel couldn't take it anymore. In one definitive step she lunged at Halle and placed her hands firmly on Halle's shoulders, planting her definitively on the bed. Halle was stunned to say the least.

"Now listen to me, no interruptions," Kel said with a firm don't-mess-with-me tone. All Halle could do was stare.

"You didn't forget a thing Halle. You've scoured that bag at least five times. It's an overnight stay! He's not visiting Siberia for two weeks!"

"Yes, I know, but I wanted to be sure anywa..."

"Uh uh uh uh! What did I say about interruptions?" Kel asked.

Halle clamped her mouth shut.

"You're learning," said Kel. "Now don't think I can't see right through you. You're as transparent as J-ello."

"What do you mean?!" Halle asked indignantly, jumping up off the bed, not caring anymore if she broke the 'no interruptions' clause. Her character was being attacked and she didn't like it one bit.

"Oh," laughed Kel. "Don't tell me you can't see that! I'm your best friend, I know you from before and I see how you get. There's nothing you can hide from me."

"What am I hiding? Nothing! I'm just re-checking to see if Josh is all packed!"

For the life of her, she couldn't describe or re-enact Kel's laugh. It was just too mocking to ever get a vivid description. Halle paled at that.

"What?!" Halle screeched. "I'm not hiding at thing." She hovered near the door, Kel at her heels.

"Oh dear," said Kel, getting a hold of herself. "You know, I never even thought you were this blind."

"Blind?! Blind to what?"

"I know why you're nervous!"

"Why then?!" challenged Halle.

"It's not the fact that Josh is going to out of your grasp for the night, it's the knowledge of who he will be with that's got you all bent out of shape."

"Is not!" said Halle.

Kel just smirked.

"He doesn't even know I'm here!" Halle stated.

"Hey, don't tell me. You're the one acting like a loon."

Halle huffed.

"You're only mad because I'm right and you know it."

Halle only pouted even more. Kel was right. She didn't want to admit it, but she knew Kel was right.

"Halle, come on. You're acting worse than Josh. Stop acting like a bratty ten-year-old."

"I am NOT acting like a brat!"

Kel almost laughed again. "Yes you are and I don't want to have an argument about this! Grow up and face the music! You're going to have to face him sometime you know."

If possible, Halle grew even paler. "No I won't."

"Yes, Halle, you will. What did you come here for? So the ticket wouldn't go to waste? I don't think so."

"Why I came is none of your business," Halle retorted.

"Watch that mouth of yours! Don't tell me it's none of my business. I care and I'm your best friend! It's every bit my business."

Halle didn't respond.

Kel calmed herself. "I know why you came Halle."

Halle sighed. She didn't want to fight either. "Why?" she asked weakly.

"Because you love him.," Kel stated simply. She expected an argument. She was pleasantly surprised.

"Ok, so what does that matter?"

Kel frowned at her attitude, but was happy she hadn't denied it. "What do you mean 'what does it matter'? You two have been acting like fools! You're both in love with each other, you just won't admit it!"

Halle shook her head. "He doesn't love me, Kel."

"Yes he does."

"No he doesn't."

"Yes he does."

"No, he doesn't."

"Yes he does! You can't stop loving someone just like that, Halle. You of all people should know. You still love him."

"But he doesn't love me, Kel. Why can't you see that?"

"Obviously cause he still loves you! I know it! He does!"

"No he doesn't!"

"Yes, he does!"

"No he doesn't!"

"Yes he does!" They were in a shouting match now, so focused only on winning and making the other believe, that they didn't the hear the bathroom door open. Josh stepped out and was introduced to two voices that didn't stop. His forehead creased to hear his mother and his Aunt Kel fighting. Why were they fighting?

Josh listened carefully. He did that best. What people didn't understand was that the key was listening. To understand, one had to listen. Josh perked his ear.

"He doesn't love me, Kel!"

"Yes he does Halle! Just accept that!"

"He does not!

"Yes, he does!"

"No, he doesn't!"

In his young mind, Josh knew they were talking about Blue. He knew his mother was a bundle of nerves. He hadn't known why before, but now he did. He understood. His mother did not want to see. He'd had enough.

"No, he doesn..." Halle started.

Josh's little voice rose from in front of the door. "Yes he does, Mommy."

Right that second, the two voices seized to scream anymore.

"Josh?" Halle asked, questioningly. Both of them looked at him guiltily, as if they had been caught doing something bad.

Josh stepped forward. He repeated what he had just said. "Yes he does, Mommy."

Halle breathed and took two steps forward and embraced her son. "Oh, baby, don't worry. You don't know what your Aunt Kel and I were arguing about."

Kel smiled at him. "Yes, Josh. Just go get ready. We have to be leaving soon."

"But I do kno.." Josh protested, but he knew what would happen. The only problem was that he all of four-years-old. They wouldn't believe him no matter what he said. He changed his mind. "All right," he said. He just hoped they could work it out and his Mommy would finally see the truth.

Halle released Josh from her arms. "Go check your overnight bag on the bed to see if you have everything you need. If there's anything I didn't pack that you want to put in, go right ahead, ok?"

Josh nodded his little head. "All right, Mommy," He hugged her one last time and scampered off to the bed.

Kel turned back to Halle. "Can I ask you a question?"

Halle nodded without answering She was watching Josh look carefully through the bag. He seemed to be searching for something.

"Look at me," Kel commanded.

Halle's gaze flew over to her best friend.

"What did you come here for?" Kel asked, restating a question Halle hadn't answered.

Halle was silent.

"Nevermind, don't answer. I already know." Kel turned away and left Halle standing with an open mouth.

"What did I come here for?" she asked Kel as she walked away from her.

Kel looked back at her once before continuing on. It was simple. "Another chance."

Kel walked over to Josh. "You got everything, buddy?" she asked as he zipped up his bag. Halle turned to listen to their conversation.

"Yeah," he said. "Now I do. Mommy just forgot one thing."

"And what is that?" Kel asked as she lifted the bag into her own hand to prepare to leave.

"My yellow shirt," he answered simply and started walking with Kel to the door.

"Yellow shirt?" asked Kel, not knowing what shirt he meant.

"Yeah, said Josh. "The one Blue gave me."

Both Halle and Kel involuntarily froze, the impact of the words hitting them like icy water. Kel recovered first.

"Well, ya got it, right, kiddo?" Kel asked Josh.

"Yup," he replied. "I'm ready now!"

Kel smiled and pulled out the ski cap from the side pocket, covering Josh's head in to it. It looked suspiciously like one JC had worn to his TRL performance. Halle always suspected JC had given it to Josh even though Kel insisted she had bought it.

Kel backtracked and came to Halle's side were she stood unmoving. "Come on, Hal," she said quietly. "We're already late."

Halle was numb. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.

Kel saw this. "Do it for your son, if not you. You know he's excited that we all get to go see JC. He wants you to be there." With that, Kel walked away, satisfied that she had given Halle sufficient reason to follow.

Kel put on a smile, mostly for Josh's sake. "Come on, you guys. Now hurry up before we're late!"

Halle couldn't deny that she was scared. Somewhere along the line, she decided to give him this little bit, to come down to Washington and watch them. She had felt as if she was doing JC a favor, her son a favor. She realized she had it all wrong. She had come down for herself, because she couldn't live with the 'what if?'. If she didn't at least try, she be a failure anyway. And if she did try and fail, at least she could say she gave her best shot. She owed this to them all, but mostly, herself.

"Mommy, Aunt Kel says we need to go now," Josh tugged on her sleeve.

Halle looked down at the little boy, his green eyes sparkling. Yes, she would go to the show, even if it were only for Josh's sake. The boy admired JC and seeing him again would be a treat. She couldn't deny Josh that, either. Taking the boy's hand, she headed out the door, following Kel down the elevator.

-*-*-*-

"Hello DC!" Joey called out into the sea of screaming college students. Halle thought that it might have been a little more quiet since college kids were older, but they seemed to be louder than many of the teenyboppers she saw. She raised her eyebrows at the sight of them. Speculation about college kids... They didn't make them like they used to. They had been here for about five minutes and it was now that 'N Sync took a small break to talk to the crowd.

The show was held at Georgetown University's basketball arena. It was an intimate setting; the venue only held about nine thousand fans. Halle, Kel, and Josh slowly made their way to the front rows, Halle wary of the crowd. Josh was living it up though, smiling through the noise. After having the ushers kick some kids out of their seats, they sat down. They were late, the concert had already started in full blast. As she had come in, she saw them with one of their numbers- 'Bye, Bye, Bye'. She wondered how much they had missed. Fans were screaming, singing and dancing along with the familiar tune. She had liked the song; it was the type of song that even non-'N Sync fans liked.

As soon as she spotted on the stage, her heart began to ache. Suddenly all the pain that she had felt before came back to her, haunting her. She had been trying to avoid all this, but once again she couldn't. She couldn't quite read the look on JC's face. He seemed melancholy, so sad. His look seemed forced, because though he smiled, his sadness shown through. She gripped the armrests of her chair, nervous and sad, yet also determined. She had to do it.

"We'd like to thank y'all for coming," Justin smiled, gazing into the audience. His search stopped for a moment on Halle, a look of shock passing across his face. But the smile remained, and even gave Halle the slightest bit of hope. He finished speaking and returned to his stool besides JC.

Fear gripped Halle. She wondered if Justin would say anything to JC about that little smile written on his face. Somehow, the thought that JC would know she was here frightened her. It was added pressure to do that right thing. Halle wasn't so sure she could. But thankfully, Justin kept his eyes fixed straight on the crowd, not turning to JC other than to give a look of encouragement. Not that any of it reached JC. Tonight, he seemed to be in his own world..

"As you all know, this CD is the first of our new life on Jive, and it's kinda like we're starting over, but better," Lance tried to explain.

"There are a lot of things in the past that we're trying to get over with this CD, as you'll see by some of our songs." JC's eyes weren't focused on Halle, but she felt them burning through her anyway Such sad eyes... She felt like cowering under his stare. How was it that his presence had such a strong influence on her?

She raised herself a bit on the armrests she still gripped. But the move did not escape Kel's notice.

Quickly, Kel's reached out to hold Halle where she was.

Halle looked at Kel with a fear beyond just Kel grabbing her arm. For a moment, it scared even Kel. But Kel recovered and was firm in her grip. "Are you going somewhere, Halle?"

Halle looked at Kel, pleading with her eyes to be let go. "Kel, I - I can't do this," Halle shouted to be heard above the din.

"Halle Lin, you are staying!" Kel said harshly. "Don't run away like a coward. I won't let you! You're not a coward!"

Halle was near tears. "Kel, please. Let me be. You don't understand!" Halle pleaded.

"What's there to understand, Halle?" Kel pulled her closer. "You make it clear to everyone but him and yourself! Why are you so blind?"

Halle tried to pull away from Kel, but Kel's grip held strong. "Kel, stop being so harsh. Please, if you were my friend, you'd let me go."

Kel sucked in her breath. "Don't pull that kind of crap with me, Halle. I am your friend, which is why I won't let you ruin your life because of your stupid pride!"

Halle felt herself weaken and spoke her last defense. "How do you know that's what I want, Kel? How do you know that's not what you want?"

Kel shook her head at Halle's certain refusal to see. "It wasn't me who made you get on the plane in the end, hun. And it wasn't Josh either. It was you."

They were interrupted as JC's voice came over the speakers. Halle's face whipped around at just the sound.

"Well, folks," he said, addressing the crowd. "The time has come for our last song of the night." His voice was grave and for a minute he seemed as though he couldn't go.

Lance came to his aid. "JC and I wrote this song together and at the last minute, we added this song to our album, which is why it took so long to come out."

The whole audience cheered and Lance smiled. "I'm sure you've all heard it if you bought our album, but this is the first and maybe, only, time we're doing it for the public. JC?" he asked. He was hoping JC was good enough to speak now.

JC nodded and began again. "This song is special to me. Seems like just yesterday I began writing, a piano tune that just came. At the time I had no idea it would come to this much."

He paused for a second and Lance looked as though he were going to take over for JC, but JC regained his voice just in time. "This song is dedicated to a certain person. She's gone now, but this song... this song is for her memory. I want her to know that even though she is gone, she is not forgotten. She will never be. I sincerely wish her all the happiness in the world, because she deserves it. She couldn't find it with me, but maybe, just maybe, she'll find it with someone else. I don't want her to be so alone." JC's voice cracked and he stopped for a minute, but went on. "And maybe one day..." He swallowed before he could go on. "Maybe one day, she'll see the truth. She and I... we just could never be. I don't blame her and I don't blame me. Sometimes there's nothing to blame. This was one of those times. Some things were never meant to be, as much as you want them. This is our last song of the night: At All Costs."

A million thoughts began swimming through her head even before he finished speaking. He had loved her? JC was in love with her? Why hadn't she seen it? She was so stupid... Never had a moment existed were she regretted more than this one. Oh, JC! Her voice felt stuck in her throat. She had been so wrong, so damned wrong. Tears began to fill her eyes, even before the song began. He loved her. Enough to write a song about her. Enough to wish her happiness. Enough to give her up and sacrifice his heart. Some things just weren't meant to be, he had said. What did that mean? Did he give up? Was he through with her? No, he can't be! Not now! But she hadn't left him much choice. And as her heart broke, the music started. He sang:

(Copyright © 1999, Vestirse@aol.com)

As the song ended, a bleary-eyed Kel turned to look at her best friend. Instead of seeing the strong woman she was used to, there sat a confused, hurting girl with tears streaming down her face. Kel leaned over and embraced Halle. Kel said nothing more. Halle didn't need to hear it. It was all up to her now. Kel had faith in Halle. Halle would do the right thing. Halle had taught Kel to have faith in her. Finally, faith was stronger than stone.

-*-*-*-

Not too long ago, she hadn't been sure. She had wondered if she was doing the right thing coming here and unearthing things that maybe were meant to stay buried. Feelings, she spoke of feelings, hers and his. The 'them' she viewed were in the past. Maybe things were better left as they were. But she also wondered where her spit and fire had gone. Her fight had been for naught, why not now fight for the one thing she truly wanted? What had she really been fighting against? She had no enemy but herself. She couldn't be fighting for any cause for there had never been any reward: no trophy, no medal, not even satisfaction nor happiness. She was more miserable than she ever remembered or cared to imagine.

But now tears blurred her vision as she quickly walked to the meager backstage. 'N Sync hadn't waited around for anyone. They hadn't the time to spare. It wasn't just 'N Sync. Other acts were scheduled too. As she walked past the stage area, yet another act was being setting up to perform, but she hardly saw then. Her destination was clear. She knew what had to be done.

Her legs could not carry her fast enough to the backstage, nor could her strides be long or quick enough. An urgency filled her that she had never felt before, yet the same old fear crept up her spine. She had heard what he had said, every word of it and none could she mistake their meaning. The words should have been more bitter and less sweet. But it was JC that said the words. Like it or not, he would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. Not like she had done him. He was not that spiteful. His was the heart closest to gold. Hers didn't even seem to be made of pyrite.

But she was here to redeem her soul. That she should have this chance was not something she deserved, but where there was a will, there was a way. She had been given to many opportunities that she had failed to grasp. She knew she'd be given no more. It was all up to her now. Her last chance would be of her own creation. It was her turn. It was almost too late.

Her legs threatened to buckle as she tried to stiffen them, walking to the door. She knew she must do this, yet she didn't want to. She was scared. She had been scared for a long time and just by JC's few words, her fear had renewed its face. What did he want? That was the least courtesy she could pay him, to give him what he wanted. After all, he deserved it and she deserved nothing. Yet she was not willing to do that. In her own selfish heart, she prayed he wanted her still.

Closure, for that she was still in search. She hadn't found it as she thought she would have. Her walk in the park had only served to pull her heartstrings more, until they threatened to rip and hung by no more than flimsy threads. She knew she could no longer be afraid, if this was to be her last chance. She couldn't wait much longer, or time would have escaped her, stealing away into the night. She didn't want to think, she didn't need to think. It was thought that made her fear. For once, just once, she'd be deaf to all restraint and walk on.

Her fists clenched, both from worry and determination. It was the one thing she needed to do. She was determined she'd have her say and determined she'd have his answer. On just that, just his answer, all things rested. She knew he had the power to slam her heart, and she wouldn't blame him.

The door was within sight. It was flanked by red velvet ropes and Halle smiled at the ironic austerity of it in this college auditorium. It looked a bit out of place, but they couldn't be missed. Perhaps it was an ominous sign to enter. She would heed it. Her steps were hurried, but never could she have been more wrong. A sign to enter it was not. Because before she could step through the door, a woman stopped her.

-*-*-*-

His birthplace held little comfort. As if it should. Hope was a word all but forgotten just last week. But though it was not forgotten, it was gone. Halle had said all that needed to be said. He had finally gotten a clue. He didn't know what had taken him so long.

Halle had destroyed him, no less than that. He should have seen it before. He wondered why he hadn't. Halle... Halle was just too far gone for his love to have ever touched her. No, he was wrong. It had touched her and would forever touch her. She was just too far gone to return it. Could he ever have expected more? Was he right to ever have? Halle. Her name repeated on his brain and drowned into the beating of his heart, dulled into the ache of a whisper.

Josh. Josh was proof JC's love had touched Halle. She had given him Josh even if she could not give him herself. She had known... every word he said, every emotion he felt.. she had known. And she had chosen to ignore it, chosen not to laugh at him for his foolish affections, though she knew they were there. He saw through her now. She had never been the innocent, but always the victim. And now, just like her, JC had made up his mind, and made his bed. She would lie in hers, and he, in his. But all he had to do was close his eyes to remember a better day.

JC didn't want this anymore. What sane person would? The love was slowly driving him insane. JC had never felt himself a quitter. He was determined and endured in his efforts. But he had learned he was no match for Halle. Her stubbornness proceeded everything, her shield too thick. And he was sorry. Sorry he couldn't have been stronger. Sorry he couldn't have been fiercer. Sorry he couldn't be the one.

Here he was... defeated. The battle may have been his, but not the war. Halle stood tall and perfect as reigning champion. It was well time for him to let her go. That was all she asked, that he retreat. How could he deny her that? She had won. If he wanted to walk away with any dignity, he would go now, the sting of the war hitting his back. Why did it not seem so simple? Because he was walking away from the one thing he wanted above all. To think he had fought for nothing. No, not for nothing. How could he have forgotten? She had been merciful. She'd let him have Josh.

He closed his eyes and inhaled the musty air that had settled this storage closet they called a room. He shouldn't be complaining though, at least he had privacy. He wanted to be alone, despite the kind face he put on. He was desperate for quiet. Though his best friends tried, their good intentions could not even brush the surface of JC. He was sorry for that too. He sighed. He had come here to hide until the appearance was over and everyone had played. It was then they'd come out for their final bows and then 'N Sync could leave.

He couldn't wait for this night to be over. He couldn't wait to hold Josh in his arms and show him the sights of Washington DC. The boy could never be a replacement for Halle in JC's heart, but JC's love for Josh was unconditional. It mattered little that Halle was Josh's mother, just a passing fact. Of course, that was something he couldn't exactly forget, but he loved Josh for being Josh, not for being Halle's son. And just as Halle, JC would try to be everything that Josh needed. Halle must have seen that at least, that JC would do anything in his power for Josh. Perhaps that was way she had let JC stay in Josh's life.

He'd do anything for Halle too. He already knew what she wanted. That she had made very clear in her every move, her every word. It was time that he truly did it now. No more tickets, no more hope, no more. He loved her, he did, but he knew that his love would forever be unrequited. It was time to let go. He would put her away and try to get on with his life. She had gotten on with hers. In his mind he took one last look at her, standing so still and tall, a soldier forever, but not his, never his.

I love you, Halle.

He closed the door.

-*-*-*-

It was the least of what Halle expected. "You can't go back there." The lady's features were stern as she stood with her arms behind her back, her bust huge and matronly, though the rest of her could easily be mistaken for a man. The word 'Security' was written in big black letters against her yellow shirt. Halle stood in total awe and surprise, unable to move.

She finally found her voice. "I... I have to get back there."

The lady looked down at her. She stood well over six feet and loomed over Halle like an ogre. Not smile peeked through the rough exterior and her eyes, though a baby blue, were red and bloodshot and ,at the moment, opened wide, making Halle feel about 3 inches tall. "Didn't you hear what I said? You can't go back there."

"Please," pleaded Halle. "It's urgent. I need to get back there."

The woman gave her a mean look and her voice was sarcastic. "You must have a hearing problem. I said you-can't-go-back-there. Do I make myself clear?"

"But..."

"Do I make myself clear?!" she screamed louder, getting agitated at Halle.

Halle cringed. She felt she had shrunk to just one inch now. Halle had to find herself. "Please, Ma'am. I really, urgently need to get back there."

"My job is to keep teenybopper fans like you out. I know I know, you just want to tell one of the boys you love them and you'll be on you're way, right?"

Ironically, the lady was right, even if not in the correct context. "I am not a teenybooper."

"Sure, sure. That's what they all say, but you sure aren't one of their mothers. You're not old enough, hun. Now run along before I had to call someone to make you run or do it myself."

That irritated Halle to know end. "Stop talking to me as if I was 12 years old! I'm..."

"I know, I know," said the lady, interrupting Halle. "College kid. Doesn't make a difference. Go to a sorority party or something, ok? Stop bothering me. You can't go back there. Get it through your head."

"Stop interrupting me!" shouted Halle. "I'm 22 years old and 'N Sync knows me!"

"Okay, honey. Whatever you say. Don't drink and drive."

Halle was aghast at her audacity. "I am not drunk and stop calling me 'honey'!"

"Dear, GO WAY. You can't go back there! I'm beginning to get a little angry! You..."

A voice interrupted them. "What is all the commotion about?"

Both women turned to find themselves staring into chocolate brown eyes. "Jesus!" Halle exclaimed before the other woman could react and ran straight over. The other woman tried to block her, but she was too late. Halle had dodged her and had already thrown herself against Jesus.

"Sir, I'm sorry," said the security woman, a bit flustered. "I tried to keep her out, but she was insistent..."

"Ms. Lin," Jesus said, smiling. "How have you been? Come to look for the boys?"

The security woman stood awestruck. "She really... she really does know them?"

Jesus paid little attention to the flustered woman and just nodded.

Halle herself was blushing. "I think you know what I came here for..." They had started to walk down the hall of the backstage.

"Halle!" exclaimed a voice beyond. She looked up and around quickly. There was Justin, flying at her with open arms.

"Justin?" she said just before he engulfed her in his arms. Justin... he was as she remembered, so affectionate.

"Hey, where's the little guy?"

She smiled up at him. "Outside with Kel," she answered smoothly.

He nodded and hurried on. "It's good to see you again. I'm so glad you came to get back with JC. JC has been miserable..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Justin!" exclaimed Halle. "Who said anything about JC and I getting back together?"

"But I just assumed..." he said confused.

"Justin," she said, cutting him. "We're not getting back together."

"You're not?" asked Justin. "Then why did..."

"Ok, let me rephrase that. I don't know if we are getting back together, but I only came to talk to him."

"Just to talk?" Justin asked doubtfully.

"Well, I'm not going to jump him Justin!" Halle exclaimed indignantly.

Justin waved his hands in mock surrender. "No, no! I didn't mean it like that! I just meant... nevermind. Talking is a start."

Halle wasn't angry at him and she smiled. She reached out and rubbed his hair gently.

He chuckled. "Like my new look?" he asked, referring to his darker, more natural hair color, a brown.

"The day-glow bleach blonde is gone, but you were never the light of my life anyway!" She stuck her tongue playfully out at him and they both tittered. She looked around him at the crowded hallway. Her face expression changed to one of seriousness. "By the way, where is the light of my life?"

"The one outside with your best friend, or the one that's my best friend?" Justin asked, playing dumb.

"You know very well who I am talking about," said Halle.

Justin nodded. "I don't know."

"You don't know who I m talking about? Get a..."

"No," he corrected. "I don't know where JC is."

"You don't know where J... But he was performing with you just a few minutes ago. Isn't he in your dressing room or something?" she asked, looking past Justin's shoulder to the multitude of doors and entry ways that graced the sides.

Justin shook his head as she looked back up at him. "He disappeared, Halle. He's depressed. He didn't know you were here and I didn't tell him. I guess I should have..."

"No!" she said quickly with a start. "I'm glad you didn't. I knew you saw me, but thank you for not saying anything."

"You're welcome," Justin replied. "But I still don't know where JC is. He does this a lot."

"Where did you see him last?" she asked, her voice growing more desperate.

But his eyes held their look of sorrow at the desperation in her voice. "I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. "I didn't see him after our performance."

Halle thought quickly. She had to find him, her need was too great.

"Ms. Lin." A voice interrupted her and immediately she knew who it was. It was Jesus, with his strangely calming words.

Halle looked up at him. "Follow me," he said simply.

Halle obeyed without an argument. Though she didn't know him well, she knew he would not lead her astray. Justin watched them leave, knowing that she needed to speak to him alone. He prayed that all would go well. With that, he turned back and walked to the dressing room.

Jesus was leading Halle through a maze of doors and halls. Why were backstages always so confusing? Jesus seemed to know where he was going though and she obediently followed him. She wondered where he was going. Panic surged through her at the same time. He was leading her to her... destiny. There was no turning back now. Especially when Jesus stopped her in her tracks and pointed to a small door. It was now or never.

-*-*-*-

The door to the room he was hidden in swung upon. For a minute he was a bit surprised. Who knows that I'm here? It's not time to end yet, is it? But he knew it wasn't. He looked up quickly. The figure standing in the doorway made him lose breath as she stood there, the light bathing her in yellow. "Halle?" he asked, unable to believe his eyes.

Halle stepped into the room, taking into account it's small size and stepping carefully over boxes. It must have been some sort of storage closet. Finally she stopped walking at a small space where she could carefully, but comfortably stand. It brought her within two feet of JC and she felt her heart pound in her chest. She swallowed thickly and tried to find her voice. "H... hi, JC." It was a weak greeting she knew, but she didn't feel very witty right now. She wondered if she even had a mind right now. Nervous fear had taken her over.

He stared at her motionless. He dared not move a muscle, for fear she might be nothing more than a dream- turned nightmare. She was here now? When he had just vowed to put her away. Why now? It was a bit of anger on his part.

She saw he wasn't going to say a word and she didn't blame him. In his eyes burned a blue flame. She saw it and was frightened. Yet she must stand her ground. She reinforced her will, hoping she could face him. "We need to talk," she said slowly. "I..." She found it hard to speak, her voice failing her. Still no word from him. "I'm sorry. I was wrong. What I'm trying to say is... I can't forget the day you left and said good-bye. It just keeps... replaying over and over in my mind. Whew," she said, trying to lighten the grim mood. "I'm really bad at this." She saw that it didn't work. "JC... I can't help thinking that I might have made a mistake. It just grates on my nerves every single hour of the day. I made a mistake a long time ago and I paid for it. I just never realized I was making you pay too. You didn't deserve much better than anything I gave you. Yet you wanted me." Her throat was dry already and she swallowed to re-wet it before she could continue.

"I hurt you, I'm sorry. I put you through so much and still you stuck by me. You didn't have to do that. I just want..." She changed her words abruptly. "Do you remember that night in the garden? At the party?" She looked at him. All he did was nod, but how could he forget. It was still fresh in his mind. At least she knew he was listening.

"That night in the garden... remember what you told me? You told me I had everything. I told you that you were wrong. That I didn't have true love and that I had never experienced it. JC... I was wrong. If I was wrong about anything, I was wrong about that. And I'm so sorry. I have experienced true love... here, in my heart because I... I love you."

He made no move as silent tears began to stream down her face. She couldn't read his emotions and even if she could, the tears running down her cheeks were blur her vision. She wiped them away and tried to be strong. She looked at him through her tears for they would not cease. He still sat there motionless on the pile of boxes, not moving even an inch. Her heart instantly ached. He didn't want her... But she gave him a chance.

"Are you going to say anything?" She had laid her foolish pride down on the line and he was set to stomp on it. She wouldn't have it any other way.

He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. His face contorted in what she judged as disgust. "Halle, you can't just come in here like that and expect all to be forgotten after what you put me through."

Stomp. She was sure her heart stopped beating and if it didn't, she wanted it to for she no longer wanted to be here, in front of his accusing eyes. They labeled her guilty and guilty she was... to one of the people that mattered most to her. "Alright," she said quietly. "I'm glad I said what I did and that you heard me." She was frantically trying to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. "Thank you and good-bye. I think I'll... be on my way now." She couldn't hold back the tears and if anything they now poured down harder.

She gathered herself up and turned around to the door. A chapter had ended. She had lost. She would never forget. She put one foot in front of the other and took a step, the final steps out of his life... forever.

She was suddenly jerked back at amazing speed. She had heard the boxes shift a moment ago and JC get up behind her, staring at the back of her head with accusing eyes as she walked away. Two arms gripped her tightly and spun her around in a flurry of motion. Halle was still in shock. Two lips claimed hers in an ecstasy of passion and two strong hands placed themselves on either side of her head. She caught a glimpse of his face before she closed her eyes, unprepared, though acknowledging who it was. JC.

Sweet surrender.

-*-*-*-